Getting harder and harder?

Dear anonymous,

At church this morning, Mrs. Kanerva reminded me that the Parker boys had all graduated and that Noah was valedictorian. This in turn made me realise that I wanted to acknowledge how proud of them I am - even if we don't speak anymore. So I went to the mall, bought a graduation card and wrote a little message for each of the three boys. Then I went to their house.

Let me tell you anonymous, my heart has never beat so fast. I felt like it was caving in on me. I couldn't get enough air in my lungs to breathe. As I walked up to their front door, I could feel the butterflies in my stomach and the air disappearing. Then Noah opened the door and I swear my heart stopped for a minute. He looked... grown up. I had seen him in photos so I knew what to expect (yes, I Facebook creeped back when I had Facebook) yet it was still the first time I had seen him in years.

What a surreal moment. Knowing that so much can change in three years. I've missed watching them struggle through the awkwardness of high school. I've missed their first loves. I've missed their big decisions like sex and college or university. I've missed it all.

Have you ever felt like that? Like you could see every little thing you missed right in front of your face in two seconds?

Love,
Michelle

Insight into my own mind?

Dear anonymous,

Perhaps my reluctance to see Josh and tell him that I am home this week is an indication of what I want. To everybody that asks I keep saying that I'm unsure of what I want from him. I believe there is truth in that because I'm torn between wanting to be friends again and not wanting to speak to him ever again. Maybe that's just in my head though. Clearly I don't want to see him if I was home all week and didn't tell him. Clearly I don't want him in my life if I won't even send him a text. Or maybe it isn't so clear.

Love,
Michelle

Changing it up?

Dear Suzi,

Though I am glad we have stayed friends over the last few years, there are a few things that sadden me. I feel like I only know snippets of your life and that we don't talk about much. Sure we reminisce about high school friends and fun times, we laugh and we share our opinions on things like PDA relationships but, I feel like we've hit a wall when it comes to talking about more personal issues face-to-face. Don't get me wrong, when I am having a horrible day or need advice you are one of the first people I text. Yet when we see each other for an hour or two every few months to catch up, I don't feel like I tell you anything of substance and same goes for you. I can understand that it's difficult to broach subjects like your mother's illness and how you are coping because you want to get away from it all for a while but, it feels like I'm skimming over the most important part of your life right now. I miss going to your house and hanging out in your room. I miss eating too much ice cream and watching films. I miss seeing your mom. Maybe it's my fault. I miss it though. I really do.

Love,
Michelle

Choosing death?

Dear anonymous,

What would it be like if you chose to stand in front of a moving train? In front of a speeding car? Jump off a 20 foot bridge? In a crowded place. The subway platform. The busiest street in your city. The bridge that everybody crosses to get home from work. 

What would everyone's reactions be? Would somebody yell to try and stop you? Would they try and physically stop you? Or would they just stand by and watch the mess unfold?

I've always wanted to know. 

Love,

Michelle

Letter I'll Never Send?

Dear Noah, Jake and Ollie,

I'm sorry that we stopped talking. That I pushed you all away. That when things fell apart with Josh and I, I thought it meant things also had to fall apart for us. 

You were always like brothers to me. We had our own friendships and bonds. It wasn't fair of me to make you part of my problem with Josh. 

If our relationship was as strong as I thought it was, I know how you must have felt the last time I told you I couldn't associate with you anymore. I felt it, too. The rejection, the hurt, the feeling of not being worth it, of not being good enough. It sucks. Whether or not you felt that, I am still sorry. 

I sincerely hope that one day we can be that close again. That one day we will meet and forget the past and move forward. If that happens, I will welcome the situation with open arms. If not, know that I will always miss you and that I deeply regret letting my problems get in the way of our friendship. 

I will never forget you as the sweetest, quirkiest, kindest, funniest brothers I will ever have the privilege to be friends with. Thank you for letting me be a part of your lives. 

Much love,

Michelle

Cards against humanity?

Dear anonymous,

Tonight I played the game called Cards Against Humanity. If you don't already know what this is (it seems to be the newest trend in North America), the object of the game is to obtain the most black cards. Each black card has a saying or phrase or question to complete or answer. These are answered using white cards with witty words, sentences, people, comebacks, what have you. Each person takes a turn in reading the black card out loud and every other player not dealing the black card chooses an appropriate answer based on the 10 white cards in their hand. The white cards are placed face down and the black card dealer then chooses their favourite answer and thus, the winner of the round receives the black card. (Tetchy explanation, sorry!)

As it goes, many of the answers end up being what I call "-ist" in some way or another. "-Ist" meaning racist, sexist, egoist, and all sorts of other "-ists". This game made me realise something tonight: I really don't like people.

People make me frustrated. They make me angry. They upset me. They are terrible. People have no regard for others. People have turned insults into a game. They don't understand compassion. They don't notice when somebody stops having a good time at a party. People are self-centered. They are conceited. They are rude. As a general rule: people suck.

So there you have it. Sorry people but, I pretty much hate you all.

Love,
Michelle
(I do realise how ironic that sign-off is. Cheers if you noticed)

Too much?

Dear anonymous,

It hit me really fast and really hard today that I want absolutely nothing to do with Ethan anymore. His name showed up on my Facebook news feed and the first thing that came to mind was that I don't want to see his name anywhere ever.

Maybe I have a tendency to do this. Throw people out of my life when they treat me badly or forget about me or toss me aside. Is it too much to do that though? If they don't care about me, is there a reason that I should care about them?

It's difficult. I want to delete him on Facebook and Twitter and in my phone and all that nonsense but he is still dating April. I still love her. To death. I don't really know what the protocol is.

Things like this just make me upset.

Love,
Michelle

Dating...again?

Dear anonymous,

I can't be sure if these guys are asking me out or if they just want to hang out as friends but I am starting to get confused. Do they realise that I'm really annoying and that I don't have a lot of friends because I am rude and judgmental and horrible? Even if it just as friends... do they not get that? Have I begun to come off as a genuine human being? Because if I'm being honest, I don't even really know who I am. And if I don't know then how are they to know?

Love,
Michelle

Dating?

Dear anonymous,

I don't believe in dating. Not really. I believe that people get together to fall apart. When it comes to Jeremy though, I would date. Maybe because he makes me want to talk, maybe because I could see us being together, maybe because he doesn't make me feel awkward, or maybe just because I think he is incredibly hot. Then again, maybe I want to date him because he makes me want to date.

Love,
Michelle