Dear anonymous,
At church this morning, Mrs. Kanerva reminded me that the Parker boys had all graduated and that Noah was valedictorian. This in turn made me realise that I wanted to acknowledge how proud of them I am - even if we don't speak anymore. So I went to the mall, bought a graduation card and wrote a little message for each of the three boys. Then I went to their house.
Let me tell you anonymous, my heart has never beat so fast. I felt like it was caving in on me. I couldn't get enough air in my lungs to breathe. As I walked up to their front door, I could feel the butterflies in my stomach and the air disappearing. Then Noah opened the door and I swear my heart stopped for a minute. He looked... grown up. I had seen him in photos so I knew what to expect (yes, I Facebook creeped back when I had Facebook) yet it was still the first time I had seen him in years.
What a surreal moment. Knowing that so much can change in three years. I've missed watching them struggle through the awkwardness of high school. I've missed their first loves. I've missed their big decisions like sex and college or university. I've missed it all.
Have you ever felt like that? Like you could see every little thing you missed right in front of your face in two seconds?
Love,
Michelle
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Sunday, 30 June 2013
Thursday, 27 June 2013
Insight into my own mind?
Dear anonymous,
Perhaps my reluctance to see Josh and tell him that I am home this week is an indication of what I want. To everybody that asks I keep saying that I'm unsure of what I want from him. I believe there is truth in that because I'm torn between wanting to be friends again and not wanting to speak to him ever again. Maybe that's just in my head though. Clearly I don't want to see him if I was home all week and didn't tell him. Clearly I don't want him in my life if I won't even send him a text. Or maybe it isn't so clear.
Love,
Michelle
Perhaps my reluctance to see Josh and tell him that I am home this week is an indication of what I want. To everybody that asks I keep saying that I'm unsure of what I want from him. I believe there is truth in that because I'm torn between wanting to be friends again and not wanting to speak to him ever again. Maybe that's just in my head though. Clearly I don't want to see him if I was home all week and didn't tell him. Clearly I don't want him in my life if I won't even send him a text. Or maybe it isn't so clear.
Love,
Michelle
Thursday, 25 April 2013
Time to reply?
Dear anonymous,
For the past month 25 days I have used the excuse that finals were coming and I didn't need more distractions than necessary. It has come to the point that I feel I need to reply to Josh though. To be fair I am moving in 5 days to Toronto so I could use that as another excuse. As I sit here watching Justin Timberlake sing Mirrors on Ellen though (sidenote: he is sexier than sex), I can't help but feel that it's not fair to not reply to him and keep making excuses.
The thing is... he took 3.5 months to reply to me. So in reality, is it about fairness? I think maybe I'm just pressuring myself to answer because I still don't know what I want. The pressure of replying makes me have to think about everything I don't want to.
Do I risk putting my heart on the line again? Do I trust him? Is there even a way things can be normal again? What happens if it turns out that he only responded to my letter because he is thinking about breaking up with his girlfriend? Will I let myself be the girl that he goes back to time and time again? There are so many questions. I don't want to face any of them.
Love,
Michelle
For the past month 25 days I have used the excuse that finals were coming and I didn't need more distractions than necessary. It has come to the point that I feel I need to reply to Josh though. To be fair I am moving in 5 days to Toronto so I could use that as another excuse. As I sit here watching Justin Timberlake sing Mirrors on Ellen though (sidenote: he is sexier than sex), I can't help but feel that it's not fair to not reply to him and keep making excuses.
The thing is... he took 3.5 months to reply to me. So in reality, is it about fairness? I think maybe I'm just pressuring myself to answer because I still don't know what I want. The pressure of replying makes me have to think about everything I don't want to.
Do I risk putting my heart on the line again? Do I trust him? Is there even a way things can be normal again? What happens if it turns out that he only responded to my letter because he is thinking about breaking up with his girlfriend? Will I let myself be the girl that he goes back to time and time again? There are so many questions. I don't want to face any of them.
Love,
Michelle
Monday, 22 April 2013
Dilemma of a lifetime coming to a close?
Dear anonymous,
This is a story about a boy. His name is Josh. For just over 8 years we were best friends. In grade 5 we met in our French immersion class and that was it. We spent late nights talking on msn (it was a thing back then), we would hang out all the time at school, text at all hours, hang out at his house, spend time with his family, spend time at our church youth group together. We were inseparable. As all stories go, I fell in love. It never even occurred to me that it could happen but there it was one day. Staring me in the face. I wanted to spend all my time with him, know everything about him, have him know everything about me. And he might not have loved me back but I knew he liked me at least a little bit. Maybe more than a little bit.
This is grade 11 now and he's dating a girl named Sarah. She always hated me. I think she was threatened by my friendship with Josh and being a girl, she could probably see the love pouring out of my ears. Josh and I stopped talking a lot that year because of her. The next part makes me a little bit of a homewrecker. Okay... maybe a lot of a homewrecker. I told him one night that I loved him. That I had always loved him and that it killed me to see him with Sarah. I told him that I wanted him and only him and that nothing was going to change that. He broke up with her the next week. And we shared our first kiss later. And then again. And he told me he loved me. But then it was time to go to university and he was going to Ottawa while I stayed here in Toronto. So we said our goodbyes and told each other that we would still stay best friends and let whatever happen happen.
Enter first year and things got hectic. We broke that promise of staying best friends. By November, I hardly knew who I was anymore so I pushed him away. I guess I pushed a little too hard. We fought one night. It was the fight. The one that tore everything apart. The one that made me cry for weeks on end because I knew it was over. Our friendship. The love he said he felt for me. Just gone.
For the past three years, I have missed him more than anything. I miss getting a good morning text, I miss having someone to talk to at all times, I miss having someone to tell all my secrets to, I miss being hugged, I miss feeling like someone cares about me, I miss his family telling me we were going to get married, I miss his dog (and I don't even like dogs). Anything and everything there is to miss about someone, I miss.
In December of 2012, I sent him one last letter. There was no return address, there was no signature. He would know it was from me. It was closure for me. Finally time for me to move on. So I sent it off never expecting to get anything back because how could I?
April 1st, 2013. Inbox on Facebook. From Josh. And boy was it long. And heartfelt. And sincere. And everything I had always wanted (minus an apology for the fight - it was his doing - but he did say that there was no apology that could right everything he did wrong, so there's that). With an annotation saying it wasn't a joke (April Fool's!).
I think I'm still processing it. Processing the feelings associated with him and all our memories. To tell you the truth, I don't even know what I want. It was because of him that I began to hurt myself. It was because of him that I cried more tears than I've ever cried at a funeral. It was because of him that I have these incredible, impenetrable walls around my heart. Maybe I'm being a little too harsh. Maybe it's not all because of him. Yet as much as I know myself now, I know that a large part of my miserable, angst-ridden, self-deprecating self is his doing.
He taught me that I am not good enough. He taught me that I can't trust someone who has been my everything for 8 years. He taught me that I am worthless. He taught me that I can't be loved. He also taught me that I can love so wholeheartedly that the world stops spinning for a moment. He taught me the meaning of friendship, of belonging, of faith. He taught me to appreciate little things in life like sitting and watching television with your family. He taught me that people can care for you.
He wants to try again. To be friends. But how do you bounce back from three years of lost trust and unbelievable heartache? Do you listen to your head and say no? Or listen to your heart and say give it another chance? He broke me more than anyone ever has and yet he put a light in my heart for so much longer. So what's the right thing to do?
Love,
Michelle
This is a story about a boy. His name is Josh. For just over 8 years we were best friends. In grade 5 we met in our French immersion class and that was it. We spent late nights talking on msn (it was a thing back then), we would hang out all the time at school, text at all hours, hang out at his house, spend time with his family, spend time at our church youth group together. We were inseparable. As all stories go, I fell in love. It never even occurred to me that it could happen but there it was one day. Staring me in the face. I wanted to spend all my time with him, know everything about him, have him know everything about me. And he might not have loved me back but I knew he liked me at least a little bit. Maybe more than a little bit.
This is grade 11 now and he's dating a girl named Sarah. She always hated me. I think she was threatened by my friendship with Josh and being a girl, she could probably see the love pouring out of my ears. Josh and I stopped talking a lot that year because of her. The next part makes me a little bit of a homewrecker. Okay... maybe a lot of a homewrecker. I told him one night that I loved him. That I had always loved him and that it killed me to see him with Sarah. I told him that I wanted him and only him and that nothing was going to change that. He broke up with her the next week. And we shared our first kiss later. And then again. And he told me he loved me. But then it was time to go to university and he was going to Ottawa while I stayed here in Toronto. So we said our goodbyes and told each other that we would still stay best friends and let whatever happen happen.
Enter first year and things got hectic. We broke that promise of staying best friends. By November, I hardly knew who I was anymore so I pushed him away. I guess I pushed a little too hard. We fought one night. It was the fight. The one that tore everything apart. The one that made me cry for weeks on end because I knew it was over. Our friendship. The love he said he felt for me. Just gone.
For the past three years, I have missed him more than anything. I miss getting a good morning text, I miss having someone to talk to at all times, I miss having someone to tell all my secrets to, I miss being hugged, I miss feeling like someone cares about me, I miss his family telling me we were going to get married, I miss his dog (and I don't even like dogs). Anything and everything there is to miss about someone, I miss.
In December of 2012, I sent him one last letter. There was no return address, there was no signature. He would know it was from me. It was closure for me. Finally time for me to move on. So I sent it off never expecting to get anything back because how could I?
April 1st, 2013. Inbox on Facebook. From Josh. And boy was it long. And heartfelt. And sincere. And everything I had always wanted (minus an apology for the fight - it was his doing - but he did say that there was no apology that could right everything he did wrong, so there's that). With an annotation saying it wasn't a joke (April Fool's!).
I think I'm still processing it. Processing the feelings associated with him and all our memories. To tell you the truth, I don't even know what I want. It was because of him that I began to hurt myself. It was because of him that I cried more tears than I've ever cried at a funeral. It was because of him that I have these incredible, impenetrable walls around my heart. Maybe I'm being a little too harsh. Maybe it's not all because of him. Yet as much as I know myself now, I know that a large part of my miserable, angst-ridden, self-deprecating self is his doing.
He taught me that I am not good enough. He taught me that I can't trust someone who has been my everything for 8 years. He taught me that I am worthless. He taught me that I can't be loved. He also taught me that I can love so wholeheartedly that the world stops spinning for a moment. He taught me the meaning of friendship, of belonging, of faith. He taught me to appreciate little things in life like sitting and watching television with your family. He taught me that people can care for you.
He wants to try again. To be friends. But how do you bounce back from three years of lost trust and unbelievable heartache? Do you listen to your head and say no? Or listen to your heart and say give it another chance? He broke me more than anyone ever has and yet he put a light in my heart for so much longer. So what's the right thing to do?
Love,
Michelle
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