Real?

Dear anonymous,

I think that sometimes it is hard to discern what is Real and Not Real. Today I re-read Catching Fire. It led me to think about the whole Hunger Games series, Mockingjay in particular. Now it has been a long time since I have read Mockingjay so parts of the novel are fuzzy. The part I remember best however, (apart from Prim's death because who can forget that...) is the 'Real or Not Real' game that Peeta and Katniss play.

There's a fine line, I think, that dictates what is Real or Not Real. Maybe the line is our arbitrary cognitions. Is it so strange to think that we can decide what is Real or Not Real? At the end of the novel when Peeta says, "You love me. Real or Not Real?" and Katniss responds with "Real", it is a poignant moment. Yet it seems as though Katniss cannot ever really say it is Real because a part of her will always love Gale. Or is it so arbitrary that she can say it is Real because it is possible to love more than one person at a time?

I am rambling. Mostly, I feel like I don't know what is Real or Not Real in my life. I spend so much time pretending and faking and being who I think others want me to be that sometimes I think maybe I'm Not Real.

Love,
Michelle

How am I going to deal with this all year?

Dear anonymous,

I'm getting real tired of my sister yelling at me when she gets in one of her moods. Yes, I sit at home and don't really study all that much but, that's just me. I'm lazy and I like it. When I have a day off from class, I like to take the time to catch up on tv shows and watch bad films and eat to my heart's content. So I haven't gotten us on the waiting list for parking yet - our property manager is a dick and won't send me a letter to say we don't get a parking spot on site. So I haven't gotten the fabric tailored yet for the pillows - I don't know where to go in Toronto and Toronto sort of scares me. So I accidentally thought we spent $50 and would get free shipping but it turns out we only spent $44 and had to pay $10 for shipping - my mistake. Guess what? I make mistakes. I don't do things. I'm lazy and I am shit. Deal with it. Stop fucking yelling at me. I know it's all my fault.

Love,
Michelle

Dating...again?

Dear anonymous,

I can't be sure if these guys are asking me out or if they just want to hang out as friends but I am starting to get confused. Do they realise that I'm really annoying and that I don't have a lot of friends because I am rude and judgmental and horrible? Even if it just as friends... do they not get that? Have I begun to come off as a genuine human being? Because if I'm being honest, I don't even really know who I am. And if I don't know then how are they to know?

Love,
Michelle

Creating an identity?

Dear anonymous,

There are days I don't recognise myself. Thinking about things like my musical tastes, what I like to do in my spare time, the things I spend money on, how I dress, how I speak... I suppose it all makes me think about who I really am.

Some might call me hipster based on a lot of my musical tastes. Others would call me a rebel because I am Asian with tattoos and piercings who is learning to skateboard. Even so, some might categorise me with every other caucasian based on my style.

A lot of the time I feel like I am jumping on bandwagons. If I like the current indie music though, or the most recent fashion trend, or flash tattoos (that will inevitably time out), or whatever it is, am I jumping on a bandwagon? To me, the bandwagon is making yourself into something you're not just to fit in. Maybe I have been doing that for so long that I have convinced myself that I like all the things that I like.

But how do you really know?

Love,
Michelle

Actions speak louder than words?

Dear anonymous,

It's an old saying: actions speak louder than words. I gave Josh the opportunity to act and once again I am disappointed. He is all talk. We're not going to be friends like before. This is exactly what I needed to make my decision. He doesn't get to be a part of my life anymore. In any way.

Last year I would have hoped for a different outcome. This year, I'm glad I'm strong enough to do what's best for me.

Love,
Michelle