Rediscover me?

Dear anonymous,

It has been almost a year since I've said anything here so bear with me. A lot has changed. I've changed. Grown. Or so I hope.

When I first started this blog, I wanted to be the anonymous blogger who shared every detail of her life with strangers. I was utterly honest, used real names and never hesitated to publish. Those things won't change. What will change is the content because,

I started when I was broken. Broken by the men in my life who let me down. Broken by a family I felt didn't appreciate me. Broken by my own thoughts and fears.

Today, I'm not that girl. I still struggle and my past still hurts me but,
not like it has in the last few years.
Today, I stand strong and tall.
I bare my scars with pride. I bare my soul with pride.
I do not hesitate.

There have been stories about Josh and his brothers,
about Ethan and alongside him, April.
I've talked about my sister and my mother and my father.
Friends like Lauren have been brought up.
I wasn't careful because I didn't have to be careful. I still don't but,

instead of stories about being heartbroken and annoyed and upset, I am choosing to just tell stories.
My stories.
The stories that matter to me.
The stories that make me who I am.

Get ready. This is an overhaul.
And I'm not hesitating.

Love,
Michelle

Offensive or not?

Dear anonymous,

Lauren sent me a text today. It was a joke about how her electric blanket stopped working so she is holding a funeral. To any other person, I suppose this would be funny. Maybe a year ago I would have found this funny. Except today when I received the message, I immediately became upset. Upset because who jokes about funerals? For an electric blanket, nonetheless? I understand that she holds that blanket near and dear and jokes about it being her husband and so I can understand where the funeral joke came from. Yet I am upset and offended. Do you think I'm justified?

Part of me thinks I'm so upset by it because of the situations surrounding people close to me right now. Suzi's mom recently passed away and I was hoping to go to the funeral but it turns out they had a private service for cremation instead. Then Krista's dad is also getting more ill so his time will inevitably come in the next few months. These are my closest friends and I am seeing them suffer. In the supposed best years of their lives, funerals for their best friends are an occurrence. So perhaps I'm emotional about this and it makes me find the joke offensive.

I can't decide.

Love,
Michelle

Bitter 'til the end?

Dear anonymous,

Sometimes I'm not sure if it's just me or if it has to do with everything that has happened with every person I have ever trusted but, it really isn't worth it to me to try and let people in to my life anymore. I can meet someone new and they can make all the effort but, at this point, I have put up such incredible walls that even I can't imagine myself getting over them. There has not been a time since summer of 2012 that I have felt like I can let someone in and be okay with it. Whether it was the situation with Josh or Chris or Ethan or anyone else in my life at any point in time, I always think back on it and decide it really isn't worth it. If I can keep my distance, I can keep safe. Perhaps I am just a bitter young lady who will later turn in to a bitter old woman but, in all honesty, I'd rather be bitter than hurt again.

Love,
Michelle

Connect?

Dear anonymous,

Recently, I met a guy at school at a TEDx conference through a mutual friend. We had a good day and he managed to get my number by very stealthily getting a photo with me (on my phone) and asking me to send it to him. Not sure if that was his actual plan but, either way he got my number. He then proceeded to message me to ask me to hang out when I was on campus one day. Since I'm only there once a week we waited until Thursday but, we ended up hanging out for a couple hours. To be honest, I was really nervous because he is really funny and sweet and great looking (cha-ching!) so I had my friend "run into us" and she ended up spending a couple hours with us, too. All-in-all I had a really good time and we have been texting back and forth since.

This week is majorly hectic for me: one homework assignment, two in-class finals and also a 6 page literature review. Three of the four are due on Thursday. Awesome. So when he asked me to go see Catching Fire with him this week, it killed me to say no. Instead I told him that we could go during our exam break because I would have more time. Well... turns out I am not the most scheduled human being and I have two papers and another final that week. This is what happens when I go to school at two campuses at once - two campuses that have different calendar days.

Either way, I am thinking I'll get him on a Friday and we can hang. I'm being social for once and I am actually enjoying myself! It's going to be a long week ahead but, for once, things are looking okay. I am connecting.

Love,
Michelle

Sidenote: Had a ridiculous "fight" with my friend that same Thursday I hung out with this guy. I replied to her the next morning saying I didn't want to half-ass a response to her while I was busy. She has yet to reply. We'll see where this goes.

Is this my fault?

Dear anonymous,

A couple months ago I decided to block Ethan on my twitter and instagram because I didn't want him commenting on my life. It wasn't a decision to make sure he knew nothing about me because all my social media is open to everyone in the world but, it was a decision to not let him be a part of it. A few weeks ago he texted me asking if I had blocked him and I told him no because I didn't feel like I owed him any explanations. Not to mention the reasons I blocked him are my own and if he knew them things could get really strange and awkward between me and his girlfriend April who I am good friends with. I ended up telling him there must be a fluke with my social media.

Tonight, he texted me again saying that he knows I blocked him and that he is going to keep my One Tree Hill DVDs (I lent him my season 2 and 3 while I was living with his girlfriend) for life. Obviously this upset me. I responded nonchalantly and he retaliated sarcastically. Me, already having a bad day, decided to lash out on him (very minorly) and got a "cool story bro" back.

So now I am stuck without my DVDs and the threat of never getting them back because I blocked him off my social media. And I understand if he is hurt or upset or angry about me blocking him because we were quite close for about a year but as soon as he started dating April, he dropped off the face of the earth and disregarded me completely as a friend. The only reason we ever spoke was because he was always at my house with April. And my friends have told me that he is being childish and that even if I did block him, it shouldn't matter because those DVDs are my property. Yet it still feels like I have done something wrong.

To be honest, I want him out of my life as much as possible. If he didn't have my DVDs, I would have blocked his number from my phone, too. If I can avoid him as much as possible, I want to. Which I know becomes difficult because I am so close with April but, "as much as possible" is better than "not at all". So now I am stuck. I don't owe him any explanations, I don't want to tell him but I want my stuff back.

What do I do now?

Love,
Michelle

Too much?

Dear anonymous,

It hit me really fast and really hard today that I want absolutely nothing to do with Ethan anymore. His name showed up on my Facebook news feed and the first thing that came to mind was that I don't want to see his name anywhere ever.

Maybe I have a tendency to do this. Throw people out of my life when they treat me badly or forget about me or toss me aside. Is it too much to do that though? If they don't care about me, is there a reason that I should care about them?

It's difficult. I want to delete him on Facebook and Twitter and in my phone and all that nonsense but he is still dating April. I still love her. To death. I don't really know what the protocol is.

Things like this just make me upset.

Love,
Michelle

What is socialising?

Dear anonymous,

Here's the thing: lately I don't feel like socialising. Or as they call it anyway. The matter of seeing friends, going out with them, talking to them, using social media platforms to connect. Connect. I think that's what I'm avoiding. I'm sick of trying to connect. In fact, I would be happy to disconnect. Maybe for a day, maybe three or even a week. It is nice not to feel obliged to snatch the phone up at every pinging noise or check every little red flagged notification. 

Let's disconnect. 

Love,

Michelle