Will it ever be the same?

Dear anonymous,

Two years ago I wrote this letter on another blog to someone that I missed. I didn't mention his name there but I will here: Noah Parker. Yes, he is Josh's little brother. Yes, he is three years younger than me. Yes, he now has a girlfriend. Yes, he has grown up. No, we don't still talk. I just know these things because I'm a huge creep that still keeps tabs on his life. All their lives really (there are four of them). You'll find the letter here if you want to read it.

The funny thing is that even two years later, I still feel the same. I wrote that letter because I missed him. Well I still do.

Love,
Michelle

Changing it up?

Dear Suzi,

Though I am glad we have stayed friends over the last few years, there are a few things that sadden me. I feel like I only know snippets of your life and that we don't talk about much. Sure we reminisce about high school friends and fun times, we laugh and we share our opinions on things like PDA relationships but, I feel like we've hit a wall when it comes to talking about more personal issues face-to-face. Don't get me wrong, when I am having a horrible day or need advice you are one of the first people I text. Yet when we see each other for an hour or two every few months to catch up, I don't feel like I tell you anything of substance and same goes for you. I can understand that it's difficult to broach subjects like your mother's illness and how you are coping because you want to get away from it all for a while but, it feels like I'm skimming over the most important part of your life right now. I miss going to your house and hanging out in your room. I miss eating too much ice cream and watching films. I miss seeing your mom. Maybe it's my fault. I miss it though. I really do.

Love,
Michelle

Actions speak louder than words?

Dear anonymous,

It's an old saying: actions speak louder than words. I gave Josh the opportunity to act and once again I am disappointed. He is all talk. We're not going to be friends like before. This is exactly what I needed to make my decision. He doesn't get to be a part of my life anymore. In any way.

Last year I would have hoped for a different outcome. This year, I'm glad I'm strong enough to do what's best for me.

Love,
Michelle

Now what?

Dear anonymous,

Tonight I finally replied to Josh. Or rather, during the day I replied to him. He has seen my message. It wasn't exactly friendly if I'm being honest but it also wasn't rude. It just stated exactly what I know (which is really nothing at all). I left him my number to contact me if he wanted to grab a coffee. Nothing crazy. Just to get reacquainted and to see if I'm really ready to get a friendship going again with him. So now it's in his hands. I won't let him control my life anymore. If he doesn't want to give me the opportunity to decide what I want then that's just fine. If he does then that will be fine, too.

I guess I'll keep you posted.

Love,
Michelle

Are we really friends?

Dear anonymous,

Ethan keeps bringing up a slight mishap from the end of last summer. We had gotten really close so naturally when summer was ending, I implied that I would never see him again. I had many reasons to believe this, the main one being that he had constantly told me he would not be visiting me in my new house. As it turns out, I was wrong and he continuously brings it up.

Tonight at Anita's goodbye get together, he brought it up once again. In a different context this time, referring to my move on May 1st to downtown Toronto. As usual, Ethan said that we would still be friends despite the fact that I was moving. I replied by saying sure and he countered by saying that I said the same thing last summer but we are still friends and see each other.

Can we really call each other friends though? As of this year, we have had approximately one real conversation. Any other real conversations have happened with April present. Not that this is a problem because she is wonderful and beautiful and I would tell her my life story if we ever had a minute to see each other but, it's not a friendship between me and him anymore.

To me, Ethan stopped being my friend when he asked me if I was still self-harming then proceeded to tell me that I no longer had to tell him because he wasn't obligated to care (as my don, he technically was). It's not even that it made me angry but it made me realise for the thousandth time in my life that people only care when they have to and that nothing is forever. I expected our friendship to stay strong and that he would be someone I wanted to tell things to for years and years yet in the span of 2 sentences, all that went down the drain.

If I can't tell him about anything in my life from the most minute detail like getting a haircut to the deepest secret I covet, we are not friends.

So sorry, Ethan, if you ever read this but we are not friends. So you can stop saying that we are going to stay friends after I move because that ship has sailed. At least for me.

Love,
Michelle

Dilemma of a lifetime coming to a close?

Dear anonymous,

This is a story about a boy. His name is Josh. For just over 8 years we were best friends. In grade 5 we met in our French immersion class and that was it. We spent late nights talking on msn (it was a thing back then), we would hang out all the time at school, text at all hours, hang out at his house, spend time with his family, spend time at our church youth group together. We were inseparable. As all stories go, I fell in love. It never even occurred to me that it could happen but there it was one day. Staring me in the face. I wanted to spend all my time with him, know everything about him, have him know everything about me. And he might not have loved me back but I knew he liked me at least a little bit. Maybe more than a little bit.

This is grade 11 now and he's dating a girl named Sarah. She always hated me. I think she was threatened by my friendship with Josh and being a girl, she could probably see the love pouring out of my ears. Josh and I stopped talking a lot that year because of her. The next part makes me a little bit of a homewrecker. Okay... maybe a lot of a homewrecker. I told him one night that I loved him. That I had always loved him and that it killed me to see him with Sarah. I told him that I wanted him and only him and that nothing was going to change that. He broke up with her the next week. And we shared our first kiss later. And then again. And he told me he loved me. But then it was time to go to university and he was going to Ottawa while I stayed here in Toronto. So we said our goodbyes and told each other that we would still stay best friends and let whatever happen happen.

Enter first year and things got hectic. We broke that promise of staying best friends. By November, I hardly knew who I was anymore so I pushed him away. I guess I pushed a little too hard. We fought one night. It was the fight. The one that tore everything apart. The one that made me cry for weeks on end because I knew it was over. Our friendship. The love he said he felt for me. Just gone.

For the past three years, I have missed him more than anything. I miss getting a good morning text, I miss having someone to talk to at all times, I miss having someone to tell all my secrets to, I miss being hugged, I miss feeling like someone cares about me, I miss his family telling me we were going to get married, I miss his dog (and I don't even like dogs). Anything and everything there is to miss about someone, I miss.

In December of 2012, I sent him one last letter. There was no return address, there was no signature. He would know it was from me. It was closure for me. Finally time for me to move on. So I sent it off never expecting to get anything back because how could I?

April 1st, 2013. Inbox on Facebook. From Josh. And boy was it long. And heartfelt. And sincere. And everything I had always wanted (minus an apology for the fight - it was his doing - but he did say that there was no apology that could right everything he did wrong, so there's that). With an annotation saying it wasn't a joke (April Fool's!).

I think I'm still processing it. Processing the feelings associated with him and all our memories. To tell you the truth, I don't even know what I want. It was because of him that I began to hurt myself. It was because of him that I cried more tears than I've ever cried at a funeral. It was because of him that I have these incredible, impenetrable walls around my heart. Maybe I'm being a little too harsh. Maybe it's not all because of him. Yet as much as I know myself now, I know that a large part of my miserable, angst-ridden, self-deprecating self is his doing.

He taught me that I am not good enough. He taught me that I can't trust someone who has been my everything for 8 years. He taught me that I am worthless. He taught me that I can't be loved. He also taught me that I can love so wholeheartedly that the world stops spinning for a moment. He taught me the meaning of friendship, of belonging, of faith. He taught me to appreciate little things in life like sitting and watching television with your family. He taught me that people can care for you.

He wants to try again. To be friends. But how do you bounce back from three years of lost trust and unbelievable heartache? Do you listen to your head and say no? Or listen to your heart and say give it another chance? He broke me more than anyone ever has and yet he put a light in my heart for so much longer. So what's the right thing to do?

Love,
Michelle