It still hurts?

Dear anonymous,

Last night I reactivated my Facebook account for the second time since June. Back in August I had reactivated it so I could coordinate a camping trip with my friends then deactivated it when it was planned. This time I have reactivated it to join a group for my morphology class to discuss and help each other with our assignment due on Thursday. I consider this the best option. To reactivate when necessary and otherwise stay off the site.

Here's the thing. Facebook does me no good. Not in the sense that it is time consuming or a method of procrastination or makes me feel like I need to connect with people I do not speak to or like... in the sense that there are people on Facebook that I am friends with or that keep open profiles that allow me glimpse into their lives.

These are people that no longer have any sort of true association with me. Except for the fact that we used to be extremely close. So maybe it is my own fault for not being able to control myself but I take the time to lurk them when I have reactivated my account. All this does is bring back the memories. And the regret.

This is an open letter to the Parker boys:

Dear Noah, Jacob and Oliver,

I hate that I have missed out on seeing you grow up. I always expected that I would still be in your lives when you graduated high school and went to university. I assumed that we would talk most days, if not every day. I never thought that I would have to watch from afar. It kills me that I don't know you anymore. That I can watch you grow up on Facebook and twitter but know nothing about you. It makes my heart ache to know that I haven't been a part of you growing up. That I haven't gotten to see you transition from being boys to young men. It all hurts. Every time I see a picture of you or hear about a story, all I can think is that I missed it. Every bit of it. And I suppose it's my own fault. I just need to say that I still miss you and I hate that I missed your biggest years.

Love lots,

Michelle

Will it ever be the same?

Dear anonymous,

Two years ago I wrote this letter on another blog to someone that I missed. I didn't mention his name there but I will here: Noah Parker. Yes, he is Josh's little brother. Yes, he is three years younger than me. Yes, he now has a girlfriend. Yes, he has grown up. No, we don't still talk. I just know these things because I'm a huge creep that still keeps tabs on his life. All their lives really (there are four of them). You'll find the letter here if you want to read it.

The funny thing is that even two years later, I still feel the same. I wrote that letter because I missed him. Well I still do.

Love,
Michelle

Letter I'll Never Send?

Dear Noah, Jake and Ollie,

I'm sorry that we stopped talking. That I pushed you all away. That when things fell apart with Josh and I, I thought it meant things also had to fall apart for us. 

You were always like brothers to me. We had our own friendships and bonds. It wasn't fair of me to make you part of my problem with Josh. 

If our relationship was as strong as I thought it was, I know how you must have felt the last time I told you I couldn't associate with you anymore. I felt it, too. The rejection, the hurt, the feeling of not being worth it, of not being good enough. It sucks. Whether or not you felt that, I am still sorry. 

I sincerely hope that one day we can be that close again. That one day we will meet and forget the past and move forward. If that happens, I will welcome the situation with open arms. If not, know that I will always miss you and that I deeply regret letting my problems get in the way of our friendship. 

I will never forget you as the sweetest, quirkiest, kindest, funniest brothers I will ever have the privilege to be friends with. Thank you for letting me be a part of your lives. 

Much love,

Michelle