It still hurts?

Dear anonymous,

Last night I reactivated my Facebook account for the second time since June. Back in August I had reactivated it so I could coordinate a camping trip with my friends then deactivated it when it was planned. This time I have reactivated it to join a group for my morphology class to discuss and help each other with our assignment due on Thursday. I consider this the best option. To reactivate when necessary and otherwise stay off the site.

Here's the thing. Facebook does me no good. Not in the sense that it is time consuming or a method of procrastination or makes me feel like I need to connect with people I do not speak to or like... in the sense that there are people on Facebook that I am friends with or that keep open profiles that allow me glimpse into their lives.

These are people that no longer have any sort of true association with me. Except for the fact that we used to be extremely close. So maybe it is my own fault for not being able to control myself but I take the time to lurk them when I have reactivated my account. All this does is bring back the memories. And the regret.

This is an open letter to the Parker boys:

Dear Noah, Jacob and Oliver,

I hate that I have missed out on seeing you grow up. I always expected that I would still be in your lives when you graduated high school and went to university. I assumed that we would talk most days, if not every day. I never thought that I would have to watch from afar. It kills me that I don't know you anymore. That I can watch you grow up on Facebook and twitter but know nothing about you. It makes my heart ache to know that I haven't been a part of you growing up. That I haven't gotten to see you transition from being boys to young men. It all hurts. Every time I see a picture of you or hear about a story, all I can think is that I missed it. Every bit of it. And I suppose it's my own fault. I just need to say that I still miss you and I hate that I missed your biggest years.

Love lots,

Michelle

Is this my fault?

Dear anonymous,

A couple months ago I decided to block Ethan on my twitter and instagram because I didn't want him commenting on my life. It wasn't a decision to make sure he knew nothing about me because all my social media is open to everyone in the world but, it was a decision to not let him be a part of it. A few weeks ago he texted me asking if I had blocked him and I told him no because I didn't feel like I owed him any explanations. Not to mention the reasons I blocked him are my own and if he knew them things could get really strange and awkward between me and his girlfriend April who I am good friends with. I ended up telling him there must be a fluke with my social media.

Tonight, he texted me again saying that he knows I blocked him and that he is going to keep my One Tree Hill DVDs (I lent him my season 2 and 3 while I was living with his girlfriend) for life. Obviously this upset me. I responded nonchalantly and he retaliated sarcastically. Me, already having a bad day, decided to lash out on him (very minorly) and got a "cool story bro" back.

So now I am stuck without my DVDs and the threat of never getting them back because I blocked him off my social media. And I understand if he is hurt or upset or angry about me blocking him because we were quite close for about a year but as soon as he started dating April, he dropped off the face of the earth and disregarded me completely as a friend. The only reason we ever spoke was because he was always at my house with April. And my friends have told me that he is being childish and that even if I did block him, it shouldn't matter because those DVDs are my property. Yet it still feels like I have done something wrong.

To be honest, I want him out of my life as much as possible. If he didn't have my DVDs, I would have blocked his number from my phone, too. If I can avoid him as much as possible, I want to. Which I know becomes difficult because I am so close with April but, "as much as possible" is better than "not at all". So now I am stuck. I don't owe him any explanations, I don't want to tell him but I want my stuff back.

What do I do now?

Love,
Michelle

Is life selfish?

Dear anonymous,

It feels like life can be so selfish. People do everything they can to be good. To have integrity and to make others smile and to treat others with dignity and respect. Then life just lashes back at them in the worst way possible. Illness, depression, poverty, abandonment, fear. It seems pretty selfish. To take away the good from people. To take away the good that they deserve. It feels so damn selfish.

I hate life today. And every other day when I talk to my friends who are suffering. When I hear of situations 'causing others harm. I hate life when it takes people away. I hate life when it shuts us down. I hate life when it is cruel.

Love,
Michelle