Maybe?

Dear anonymous,

I read a quote today where the person said they were used to being a maybe or sometimes but, they wanted to be an everything or always. It made me stop. There are so many times that I felt that way but, I could never really put it into words. When I read those words though, I knew that was it.

In my life, I have always been a maybe and a sometimes. Both guys that I have fallen in love with have treated me like a maybe and a sometimes. My family treats me like a maybe and a sometimes. Even my friends make me feel that way.

It's hard realising this. It never occurred to me that I could be an always or an everything. That I could have some sort of permanence or significance to somebody. Isn't that scary? Everyone should be able to feel like they are everything to somebody or that they are always wanted.

So I am going to make a promise to myself. From now on, I won't let anybody treat me like a maybe or a sometimes. I will demand to be an always or an everything. Because I deserve that. I deserve to feel like I matter.

Love,
Michelle

Rediscover me?

Dear anonymous,

It has been almost a year since I've said anything here so bear with me. A lot has changed. I've changed. Grown. Or so I hope.

When I first started this blog, I wanted to be the anonymous blogger who shared every detail of her life with strangers. I was utterly honest, used real names and never hesitated to publish. Those things won't change. What will change is the content because,

I started when I was broken. Broken by the men in my life who let me down. Broken by a family I felt didn't appreciate me. Broken by my own thoughts and fears.

Today, I'm not that girl. I still struggle and my past still hurts me but,
not like it has in the last few years.
Today, I stand strong and tall.
I bare my scars with pride. I bare my soul with pride.
I do not hesitate.

There have been stories about Josh and his brothers,
about Ethan and alongside him, April.
I've talked about my sister and my mother and my father.
Friends like Lauren have been brought up.
I wasn't careful because I didn't have to be careful. I still don't but,

instead of stories about being heartbroken and annoyed and upset, I am choosing to just tell stories.
My stories.
The stories that matter to me.
The stories that make me who I am.

Get ready. This is an overhaul.
And I'm not hesitating.

Love,
Michelle