What is socialising?

Dear anonymous,

Here's the thing: lately I don't feel like socialising. Or as they call it anyway. The matter of seeing friends, going out with them, talking to them, using social media platforms to connect. Connect. I think that's what I'm avoiding. I'm sick of trying to connect. In fact, I would be happy to disconnect. Maybe for a day, maybe three or even a week. It is nice not to feel obliged to snatch the phone up at every pinging noise or check every little red flagged notification. 

Let's disconnect. 

Love,

Michelle

Living with depression?

Dear anonymous,

Living with Ash again has really made me notice how much I don't know about her. For the past few years I have known that she has depression. When we used to come home on weekends, I would notice the excessive sleep and the fluctuating appetite. I would pay attention to how many times she asked me if she had gotten fat or whatnot. Living with her for almost a month now though, I am really noticing it more and more.

I'm not going to lie. I probably have depression. It's probably more like dysthymic disorder (which is less severe than major depression but more chronic) yet, my sister has it so much worse. It's hard to live with it. She gets irrational and angry, she sleeps her days away, she is restless and often I see her struggling with herself. I love her though and I'm sticking around.

Love,
Michelle

Sex?

Dear anonymous,

Sex is a funny thing. For instance, I am a virgin. Sometimes I am incredibly proud to tell anybody who asks that I have held back and am waiting for the right guy. Other times I am embarrassed that I have not yet had sex. After all, I am 21 years old. Kids these days are having sex at 11.

In certain situations, it depends on the person. If I know somebody accepts me for who I truly am, understands my values and my thoughts and most importantly my faith, then I feel okay saying I am still a virgin. On the other hand, if somebody constantly talks about how strange it is to be a virgin and proceeds to ask me, I will lie.

I'm not proud to say that I have lied to people about it. I should be proud of myself for sticking to my guns and not giving in. There have been opportunities where I could have said yes but said no. I like to think it is because I still have some integrity. Yet I lie.

It's a funny thing how something so little can mean so much.

Love,
Michelle

Procastination without a choice?

Dear anonymous,

My first midterm is on Monday and I've obviously not been studying as hard as I should have been. There is however, also the fact that when Ashley (my sister) comes home from work the first thing she does is turn on the television. I understand that we share the apartment and space is limited. Yet I work best in the evening. As you can probably tell, this doesn't work out particularly well for either of us.

I am no longer procrastinating by choice but rather by default because I do not have a space in which to study.

Failure will ensue, let me assure you.

Love,
Michelle

Being dealt the wrong set of cards?

Dear anonymous,

Disclaimer: This is not my story but I feel confident sharing it with you because this story has its own honesty blog. Feel free to check it out after you've read my side. The link will be at the bottom.

Creating an identity?

Dear anonymous,

There are days I don't recognise myself. Thinking about things like my musical tastes, what I like to do in my spare time, the things I spend money on, how I dress, how I speak... I suppose it all makes me think about who I really am.

Some might call me hipster based on a lot of my musical tastes. Others would call me a rebel because I am Asian with tattoos and piercings who is learning to skateboard. Even so, some might categorise me with every other caucasian based on my style.

A lot of the time I feel like I am jumping on bandwagons. If I like the current indie music though, or the most recent fashion trend, or flash tattoos (that will inevitably time out), or whatever it is, am I jumping on a bandwagon? To me, the bandwagon is making yourself into something you're not just to fit in. Maybe I have been doing that for so long that I have convinced myself that I like all the things that I like.

But how do you really know?

Love,
Michelle

Broke?

Dear anonymous,

This is it. I am officially broke. My visa bill this month is just about the same amount as my savings account. There's no turning back from this. I should definitely go to the open interviews at Urban Outfitters tomorrow. A job is needed. I mean really really needed.

Love,
Michelle

Actions speak louder than words?

Dear anonymous,

It's an old saying: actions speak louder than words. I gave Josh the opportunity to act and once again I am disappointed. He is all talk. We're not going to be friends like before. This is exactly what I needed to make my decision. He doesn't get to be a part of my life anymore. In any way.

Last year I would have hoped for a different outcome. This year, I'm glad I'm strong enough to do what's best for me.

Love,
Michelle

Now what?

Dear anonymous,

Tonight I finally replied to Josh. Or rather, during the day I replied to him. He has seen my message. It wasn't exactly friendly if I'm being honest but it also wasn't rude. It just stated exactly what I know (which is really nothing at all). I left him my number to contact me if he wanted to grab a coffee. Nothing crazy. Just to get reacquainted and to see if I'm really ready to get a friendship going again with him. So now it's in his hands. I won't let him control my life anymore. If he doesn't want to give me the opportunity to decide what I want then that's just fine. If he does then that will be fine, too.

I guess I'll keep you posted.

Love,
Michelle

Could I be happy?

Dear anonymous,

These past few days have been a mix of bad and good. Fighting with my sister = bad. Having a space without Ethan and April around all the time = good. Not having friends around = bad. Having friends that want to come visit = good.

Is it possible for me to be happy then? From these past few days, I just don't know yet. It's too soon to tell. What I can say is that I'm happier now than I was a month ago. So here's to feeling happy more often than not in the future.

Love,
Michelle

Am I a bad person?

Dear anonymous,

Ashley, my sister, and I have been having a bunch of yelling sessions the last two days. Basically it revolves around her saying that I'm a bad person. Things like me constantly calling her stupid, putting her down, telling her that she can't do things like have her friends over are coming up a lot. I guess it's just making me wonder if I really am a bad person. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a horrible sister.

Love,
Michelle

A little bit of Spring in my step?

Dear anonymous,

As I am sat here on the patio of Williams in a dress and cardigan, I can't help but smile. All mine and my sister's stuff was moved to the new condo last night. The weather is beautiful. Later we are going to shop for décor. Things are good. I feel really settled for once in my life. Despite the disarray in our new place - because trust me, it is well and truly disarray.

Love,
Michelle