Missing you.

Dear anonymous,

It's just one of those days. The ones you spend in a world of nostalgia and regret. Memories have been creeping into my mind all day. All of them.

I miss Josh. I miss him so much. I re-read the message he sent me ages ago. April 1, 2013. He said it wasn't a joke but, it turns out he was wrong. Nothing in the message happened. We couldn't fix us. There was no way to make us us again. It hurts. Like always.

Then I started missing Ethan. This time, I wasn't angry. I just missed him. You see, normally it is both. Not this time. All I feel is the missing him part. And here I am, thinking about messaging him like he messaged me. But it hurts. Like always.

Today is just one of those days. It needs to end.

M

Bitter 'til the end?

Dear anonymous,

Sometimes I'm not sure if it's just me or if it has to do with everything that has happened with every person I have ever trusted but, it really isn't worth it to me to try and let people in to my life anymore. I can meet someone new and they can make all the effort but, at this point, I have put up such incredible walls that even I can't imagine myself getting over them. There has not been a time since summer of 2012 that I have felt like I can let someone in and be okay with it. Whether it was the situation with Josh or Chris or Ethan or anyone else in my life at any point in time, I always think back on it and decide it really isn't worth it. If I can keep my distance, I can keep safe. Perhaps I am just a bitter young lady who will later turn in to a bitter old woman but, in all honesty, I'd rather be bitter than hurt again.

Love,
Michelle

Insight into my own mind?

Dear anonymous,

Perhaps my reluctance to see Josh and tell him that I am home this week is an indication of what I want. To everybody that asks I keep saying that I'm unsure of what I want from him. I believe there is truth in that because I'm torn between wanting to be friends again and not wanting to speak to him ever again. Maybe that's just in my head though. Clearly I don't want to see him if I was home all week and didn't tell him. Clearly I don't want him in my life if I won't even send him a text. Or maybe it isn't so clear.

Love,
Michelle

Letter I'll Never Send?

Dear Noah, Jake and Ollie,

I'm sorry that we stopped talking. That I pushed you all away. That when things fell apart with Josh and I, I thought it meant things also had to fall apart for us. 

You were always like brothers to me. We had our own friendships and bonds. It wasn't fair of me to make you part of my problem with Josh. 

If our relationship was as strong as I thought it was, I know how you must have felt the last time I told you I couldn't associate with you anymore. I felt it, too. The rejection, the hurt, the feeling of not being worth it, of not being good enough. It sucks. Whether or not you felt that, I am still sorry. 

I sincerely hope that one day we can be that close again. That one day we will meet and forget the past and move forward. If that happens, I will welcome the situation with open arms. If not, know that I will always miss you and that I deeply regret letting my problems get in the way of our friendship. 

I will never forget you as the sweetest, quirkiest, kindest, funniest brothers I will ever have the privilege to be friends with. Thank you for letting me be a part of your lives. 

Much love,

Michelle

Actions speak louder than words?

Dear anonymous,

It's an old saying: actions speak louder than words. I gave Josh the opportunity to act and once again I am disappointed. He is all talk. We're not going to be friends like before. This is exactly what I needed to make my decision. He doesn't get to be a part of my life anymore. In any way.

Last year I would have hoped for a different outcome. This year, I'm glad I'm strong enough to do what's best for me.

Love,
Michelle

Now what?

Dear anonymous,

Tonight I finally replied to Josh. Or rather, during the day I replied to him. He has seen my message. It wasn't exactly friendly if I'm being honest but it also wasn't rude. It just stated exactly what I know (which is really nothing at all). I left him my number to contact me if he wanted to grab a coffee. Nothing crazy. Just to get reacquainted and to see if I'm really ready to get a friendship going again with him. So now it's in his hands. I won't let him control my life anymore. If he doesn't want to give me the opportunity to decide what I want then that's just fine. If he does then that will be fine, too.

I guess I'll keep you posted.

Love,
Michelle