Missing you.

Dear anonymous,

It's just one of those days. The ones you spend in a world of nostalgia and regret. Memories have been creeping into my mind all day. All of them.

I miss Josh. I miss him so much. I re-read the message he sent me ages ago. April 1, 2013. He said it wasn't a joke but, it turns out he was wrong. Nothing in the message happened. We couldn't fix us. There was no way to make us us again. It hurts. Like always.

Then I started missing Ethan. This time, I wasn't angry. I just missed him. You see, normally it is both. Not this time. All I feel is the missing him part. And here I am, thinking about messaging him like he messaged me. But it hurts. Like always.

Today is just one of those days. It needs to end.

M

Bitter 'til the end?

Dear anonymous,

Sometimes I'm not sure if it's just me or if it has to do with everything that has happened with every person I have ever trusted but, it really isn't worth it to me to try and let people in to my life anymore. I can meet someone new and they can make all the effort but, at this point, I have put up such incredible walls that even I can't imagine myself getting over them. There has not been a time since summer of 2012 that I have felt like I can let someone in and be okay with it. Whether it was the situation with Josh or Chris or Ethan or anyone else in my life at any point in time, I always think back on it and decide it really isn't worth it. If I can keep my distance, I can keep safe. Perhaps I am just a bitter young lady who will later turn in to a bitter old woman but, in all honesty, I'd rather be bitter than hurt again.

Love,
Michelle

Is this my fault?

Dear anonymous,

A couple months ago I decided to block Ethan on my twitter and instagram because I didn't want him commenting on my life. It wasn't a decision to make sure he knew nothing about me because all my social media is open to everyone in the world but, it was a decision to not let him be a part of it. A few weeks ago he texted me asking if I had blocked him and I told him no because I didn't feel like I owed him any explanations. Not to mention the reasons I blocked him are my own and if he knew them things could get really strange and awkward between me and his girlfriend April who I am good friends with. I ended up telling him there must be a fluke with my social media.

Tonight, he texted me again saying that he knows I blocked him and that he is going to keep my One Tree Hill DVDs (I lent him my season 2 and 3 while I was living with his girlfriend) for life. Obviously this upset me. I responded nonchalantly and he retaliated sarcastically. Me, already having a bad day, decided to lash out on him (very minorly) and got a "cool story bro" back.

So now I am stuck without my DVDs and the threat of never getting them back because I blocked him off my social media. And I understand if he is hurt or upset or angry about me blocking him because we were quite close for about a year but as soon as he started dating April, he dropped off the face of the earth and disregarded me completely as a friend. The only reason we ever spoke was because he was always at my house with April. And my friends have told me that he is being childish and that even if I did block him, it shouldn't matter because those DVDs are my property. Yet it still feels like I have done something wrong.

To be honest, I want him out of my life as much as possible. If he didn't have my DVDs, I would have blocked his number from my phone, too. If I can avoid him as much as possible, I want to. Which I know becomes difficult because I am so close with April but, "as much as possible" is better than "not at all". So now I am stuck. I don't owe him any explanations, I don't want to tell him but I want my stuff back.

What do I do now?

Love,
Michelle

Too much?

Dear anonymous,

It hit me really fast and really hard today that I want absolutely nothing to do with Ethan anymore. His name showed up on my Facebook news feed and the first thing that came to mind was that I don't want to see his name anywhere ever.

Maybe I have a tendency to do this. Throw people out of my life when they treat me badly or forget about me or toss me aside. Is it too much to do that though? If they don't care about me, is there a reason that I should care about them?

It's difficult. I want to delete him on Facebook and Twitter and in my phone and all that nonsense but he is still dating April. I still love her. To death. I don't really know what the protocol is.

Things like this just make me upset.

Love,
Michelle