Maybe?

Dear anonymous,

I read a quote today where the person said they were used to being a maybe or sometimes but, they wanted to be an everything or always. It made me stop. There are so many times that I felt that way but, I could never really put it into words. When I read those words though, I knew that was it.

In my life, I have always been a maybe and a sometimes. Both guys that I have fallen in love with have treated me like a maybe and a sometimes. My family treats me like a maybe and a sometimes. Even my friends make me feel that way.

It's hard realising this. It never occurred to me that I could be an always or an everything. That I could have some sort of permanence or significance to somebody. Isn't that scary? Everyone should be able to feel like they are everything to somebody or that they are always wanted.

So I am going to make a promise to myself. From now on, I won't let anybody treat me like a maybe or a sometimes. I will demand to be an always or an everything. Because I deserve that. I deserve to feel like I matter.

Love,
Michelle

Is life selfish?

Dear anonymous,

It feels like life can be so selfish. People do everything they can to be good. To have integrity and to make others smile and to treat others with dignity and respect. Then life just lashes back at them in the worst way possible. Illness, depression, poverty, abandonment, fear. It seems pretty selfish. To take away the good from people. To take away the good that they deserve. It feels so damn selfish.

I hate life today. And every other day when I talk to my friends who are suffering. When I hear of situations 'causing others harm. I hate life when it takes people away. I hate life when it shuts us down. I hate life when it is cruel.

Love,
Michelle

Changing it up?

Dear Suzi,

Though I am glad we have stayed friends over the last few years, there are a few things that sadden me. I feel like I only know snippets of your life and that we don't talk about much. Sure we reminisce about high school friends and fun times, we laugh and we share our opinions on things like PDA relationships but, I feel like we've hit a wall when it comes to talking about more personal issues face-to-face. Don't get me wrong, when I am having a horrible day or need advice you are one of the first people I text. Yet when we see each other for an hour or two every few months to catch up, I don't feel like I tell you anything of substance and same goes for you. I can understand that it's difficult to broach subjects like your mother's illness and how you are coping because you want to get away from it all for a while but, it feels like I'm skimming over the most important part of your life right now. I miss going to your house and hanging out in your room. I miss eating too much ice cream and watching films. I miss seeing your mom. Maybe it's my fault. I miss it though. I really do.

Love,
Michelle

Too much?

Dear anonymous,

It hit me really fast and really hard today that I want absolutely nothing to do with Ethan anymore. His name showed up on my Facebook news feed and the first thing that came to mind was that I don't want to see his name anywhere ever.

Maybe I have a tendency to do this. Throw people out of my life when they treat me badly or forget about me or toss me aside. Is it too much to do that though? If they don't care about me, is there a reason that I should care about them?

It's difficult. I want to delete him on Facebook and Twitter and in my phone and all that nonsense but he is still dating April. I still love her. To death. I don't really know what the protocol is.

Things like this just make me upset.

Love,
Michelle

What is socialising?

Dear anonymous,

Here's the thing: lately I don't feel like socialising. Or as they call it anyway. The matter of seeing friends, going out with them, talking to them, using social media platforms to connect. Connect. I think that's what I'm avoiding. I'm sick of trying to connect. In fact, I would be happy to disconnect. Maybe for a day, maybe three or even a week. It is nice not to feel obliged to snatch the phone up at every pinging noise or check every little red flagged notification. 

Let's disconnect. 

Love,

Michelle

Living with depression?

Dear anonymous,

Living with Ash again has really made me notice how much I don't know about her. For the past few years I have known that she has depression. When we used to come home on weekends, I would notice the excessive sleep and the fluctuating appetite. I would pay attention to how many times she asked me if she had gotten fat or whatnot. Living with her for almost a month now though, I am really noticing it more and more.

I'm not going to lie. I probably have depression. It's probably more like dysthymic disorder (which is less severe than major depression but more chronic) yet, my sister has it so much worse. It's hard to live with it. She gets irrational and angry, she sleeps her days away, she is restless and often I see her struggling with herself. I love her though and I'm sticking around.

Love,
Michelle

Creating an identity?

Dear anonymous,

There are days I don't recognise myself. Thinking about things like my musical tastes, what I like to do in my spare time, the things I spend money on, how I dress, how I speak... I suppose it all makes me think about who I really am.

Some might call me hipster based on a lot of my musical tastes. Others would call me a rebel because I am Asian with tattoos and piercings who is learning to skateboard. Even so, some might categorise me with every other caucasian based on my style.

A lot of the time I feel like I am jumping on bandwagons. If I like the current indie music though, or the most recent fashion trend, or flash tattoos (that will inevitably time out), or whatever it is, am I jumping on a bandwagon? To me, the bandwagon is making yourself into something you're not just to fit in. Maybe I have been doing that for so long that I have convinced myself that I like all the things that I like.

But how do you really know?

Love,
Michelle

Could I be happy?

Dear anonymous,

These past few days have been a mix of bad and good. Fighting with my sister = bad. Having a space without Ethan and April around all the time = good. Not having friends around = bad. Having friends that want to come visit = good.

Is it possible for me to be happy then? From these past few days, I just don't know yet. It's too soon to tell. What I can say is that I'm happier now than I was a month ago. So here's to feeling happy more often than not in the future.

Love,
Michelle

Parents or parent figures?

Dear anonymous,

Headed out to dinner soon with the parents for their anniversary and it occurred to me how rude I can sometimes be when I am talking about them. A lot of the time when I am telling my friends a story about them, I refer to them as the parent figures. Offensive, right? Well I just realised how offensive that really is. By calling them parent figures, I'm saying that they have no real role as my parents. Instead they're like the figure head of a company, who only sits there to be pretty. In truth, as children they were more parent figures than parents. We had an endless number of baby sitters because they were always working, we only went out with my mom on weekends (if that) and they never even taught me to ride a bike until I was 10. As an adult now though, they're parents to me. I can go to my dad asking for advice, my mom will make me care packages to take back to school full of yummy homemade foods, I periodically get calls from them both to wish me luck on tests and assignments and we spend time together. So I'm vowing not to call them parent figures anymore but, parents. Because that's what they are - my parents.

Love,
Michelle