Rediscover me?

Dear anonymous,

It has been almost a year since I've said anything here so bear with me. A lot has changed. I've changed. Grown. Or so I hope.

When I first started this blog, I wanted to be the anonymous blogger who shared every detail of her life with strangers. I was utterly honest, used real names and never hesitated to publish. Those things won't change. What will change is the content because,

I started when I was broken. Broken by the men in my life who let me down. Broken by a family I felt didn't appreciate me. Broken by my own thoughts and fears.

Today, I'm not that girl. I still struggle and my past still hurts me but,
not like it has in the last few years.
Today, I stand strong and tall.
I bare my scars with pride. I bare my soul with pride.
I do not hesitate.

There have been stories about Josh and his brothers,
about Ethan and alongside him, April.
I've talked about my sister and my mother and my father.
Friends like Lauren have been brought up.
I wasn't careful because I didn't have to be careful. I still don't but,

instead of stories about being heartbroken and annoyed and upset, I am choosing to just tell stories.
My stories.
The stories that matter to me.
The stories that make me who I am.

Get ready. This is an overhaul.
And I'm not hesitating.

Love,
Michelle

Is life selfish?

Dear anonymous,

It feels like life can be so selfish. People do everything they can to be good. To have integrity and to make others smile and to treat others with dignity and respect. Then life just lashes back at them in the worst way possible. Illness, depression, poverty, abandonment, fear. It seems pretty selfish. To take away the good from people. To take away the good that they deserve. It feels so damn selfish.

I hate life today. And every other day when I talk to my friends who are suffering. When I hear of situations 'causing others harm. I hate life when it takes people away. I hate life when it shuts us down. I hate life when it is cruel.

Love,
Michelle

Insight into my own mind?

Dear anonymous,

Perhaps my reluctance to see Josh and tell him that I am home this week is an indication of what I want. To everybody that asks I keep saying that I'm unsure of what I want from him. I believe there is truth in that because I'm torn between wanting to be friends again and not wanting to speak to him ever again. Maybe that's just in my head though. Clearly I don't want to see him if I was home all week and didn't tell him. Clearly I don't want him in my life if I won't even send him a text. Or maybe it isn't so clear.

Love,
Michelle