Is it even really a big deal?

Dear anonymous,

I used to think that losing your virginity was a big deal. As a girl, that's what we learn anyway. Our mothers tell us that boys who want to sleep with you aren't worth it. That you are worth more than letting a boy take what is most precious to you.

Precious. How many times have I heard my virginity being referred to as precious? The thing is, it's precious because we have labelled it so. There is nothing inherently special about my virginity. It is just a symbol of purity and innocence. At least it used to be.

Purity. Innocence. At the age of 21, both are gone. Purity is tainted with whiffs of smoke, dabbling in drugs and shots, shots, shots. Innocence is tainted by life. Everything from the first year you realised Santa's writing was the same as Mom's to someone grinding behind you at the school dance. There is nothing about me that is pure and innocent, still. Just because I still have my virginity does not mean I hold those virtues.

Virginity is my choice, don't get me wrong. It isn't something special to me anymore though. It just is. Like smoking leading to cancer. Like not drinking water causing dehydration. Like H20 being the formula for water. Like the earth being round. It is a fact. I am a virgin. That doesn't make it special.

Love,
Michelle Teo

How am I going to deal with this all year?

Dear anonymous,

I'm getting real tired of my sister yelling at me when she gets in one of her moods. Yes, I sit at home and don't really study all that much but, that's just me. I'm lazy and I like it. When I have a day off from class, I like to take the time to catch up on tv shows and watch bad films and eat to my heart's content. So I haven't gotten us on the waiting list for parking yet - our property manager is a dick and won't send me a letter to say we don't get a parking spot on site. So I haven't gotten the fabric tailored yet for the pillows - I don't know where to go in Toronto and Toronto sort of scares me. So I accidentally thought we spent $50 and would get free shipping but it turns out we only spent $44 and had to pay $10 for shipping - my mistake. Guess what? I make mistakes. I don't do things. I'm lazy and I am shit. Deal with it. Stop fucking yelling at me. I know it's all my fault.

Love,
Michelle

Changing it up?

Dear Suzi,

Though I am glad we have stayed friends over the last few years, there are a few things that sadden me. I feel like I only know snippets of your life and that we don't talk about much. Sure we reminisce about high school friends and fun times, we laugh and we share our opinions on things like PDA relationships but, I feel like we've hit a wall when it comes to talking about more personal issues face-to-face. Don't get me wrong, when I am having a horrible day or need advice you are one of the first people I text. Yet when we see each other for an hour or two every few months to catch up, I don't feel like I tell you anything of substance and same goes for you. I can understand that it's difficult to broach subjects like your mother's illness and how you are coping because you want to get away from it all for a while but, it feels like I'm skimming over the most important part of your life right now. I miss going to your house and hanging out in your room. I miss eating too much ice cream and watching films. I miss seeing your mom. Maybe it's my fault. I miss it though. I really do.

Love,
Michelle

Dating...again?

Dear anonymous,

I can't be sure if these guys are asking me out or if they just want to hang out as friends but I am starting to get confused. Do they realise that I'm really annoying and that I don't have a lot of friends because I am rude and judgmental and horrible? Even if it just as friends... do they not get that? Have I begun to come off as a genuine human being? Because if I'm being honest, I don't even really know who I am. And if I don't know then how are they to know?

Love,
Michelle

Creating an identity?

Dear anonymous,

There are days I don't recognise myself. Thinking about things like my musical tastes, what I like to do in my spare time, the things I spend money on, how I dress, how I speak... I suppose it all makes me think about who I really am.

Some might call me hipster based on a lot of my musical tastes. Others would call me a rebel because I am Asian with tattoos and piercings who is learning to skateboard. Even so, some might categorise me with every other caucasian based on my style.

A lot of the time I feel like I am jumping on bandwagons. If I like the current indie music though, or the most recent fashion trend, or flash tattoos (that will inevitably time out), or whatever it is, am I jumping on a bandwagon? To me, the bandwagon is making yourself into something you're not just to fit in. Maybe I have been doing that for so long that I have convinced myself that I like all the things that I like.

But how do you really know?

Love,
Michelle