Dear anonymous,
Two years ago I wrote this letter on another blog to someone that I missed. I didn't mention his name there but I will here: Noah Parker. Yes, he is Josh's little brother. Yes, he is three years younger than me. Yes, he now has a girlfriend. Yes, he has grown up. No, we don't still talk. I just know these things because I'm a huge creep that still keeps tabs on his life. All their lives really (there are four of them). You'll find the letter here if you want to read it.
The funny thing is that even two years later, I still feel the same. I wrote that letter because I missed him. Well I still do.
Love,
Michelle
Showing posts with label letter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label letter. Show all posts
Wednesday, 10 July 2013
Wednesday, 26 June 2013
Changing it up?
Dear Suzi,
Though I am glad we have stayed friends over the last few years, there are a few things that sadden me. I feel like I only know snippets of your life and that we don't talk about much. Sure we reminisce about high school friends and fun times, we laugh and we share our opinions on things like PDA relationships but, I feel like we've hit a wall when it comes to talking about more personal issues face-to-face. Don't get me wrong, when I am having a horrible day or need advice you are one of the first people I text. Yet when we see each other for an hour or two every few months to catch up, I don't feel like I tell you anything of substance and same goes for you. I can understand that it's difficult to broach subjects like your mother's illness and how you are coping because you want to get away from it all for a while but, it feels like I'm skimming over the most important part of your life right now. I miss going to your house and hanging out in your room. I miss eating too much ice cream and watching films. I miss seeing your mom. Maybe it's my fault. I miss it though. I really do.
Love,
Michelle
Though I am glad we have stayed friends over the last few years, there are a few things that sadden me. I feel like I only know snippets of your life and that we don't talk about much. Sure we reminisce about high school friends and fun times, we laugh and we share our opinions on things like PDA relationships but, I feel like we've hit a wall when it comes to talking about more personal issues face-to-face. Don't get me wrong, when I am having a horrible day or need advice you are one of the first people I text. Yet when we see each other for an hour or two every few months to catch up, I don't feel like I tell you anything of substance and same goes for you. I can understand that it's difficult to broach subjects like your mother's illness and how you are coping because you want to get away from it all for a while but, it feels like I'm skimming over the most important part of your life right now. I miss going to your house and hanging out in your room. I miss eating too much ice cream and watching films. I miss seeing your mom. Maybe it's my fault. I miss it though. I really do.
Love,
Michelle
Monday, 17 June 2013
Letter I'll Never Send?
Dear Noah, Jake and Ollie,
I'm sorry that we stopped talking. That I pushed you all away. That when things fell apart with Josh and I, I thought it meant things also had to fall apart for us.
You were always like brothers to me. We had our own friendships and bonds. It wasn't fair of me to make you part of my problem with Josh.
If our relationship was as strong as I thought it was, I know how you must have felt the last time I told you I couldn't associate with you anymore. I felt it, too. The rejection, the hurt, the feeling of not being worth it, of not being good enough. It sucks. Whether or not you felt that, I am still sorry.
I sincerely hope that one day we can be that close again. That one day we will meet and forget the past and move forward. If that happens, I will welcome the situation with open arms. If not, know that I will always miss you and that I deeply regret letting my problems get in the way of our friendship.
I will never forget you as the sweetest, quirkiest, kindest, funniest brothers I will ever have the privilege to be friends with. Thank you for letting me be a part of your lives.
Much love,
Michelle
Thursday, 25 April 2013
Time to reply?
Dear anonymous,
For the past month 25 days I have used the excuse that finals were coming and I didn't need more distractions than necessary. It has come to the point that I feel I need to reply to Josh though. To be fair I am moving in 5 days to Toronto so I could use that as another excuse. As I sit here watching Justin Timberlake sing Mirrors on Ellen though (sidenote: he is sexier than sex), I can't help but feel that it's not fair to not reply to him and keep making excuses.
The thing is... he took 3.5 months to reply to me. So in reality, is it about fairness? I think maybe I'm just pressuring myself to answer because I still don't know what I want. The pressure of replying makes me have to think about everything I don't want to.
Do I risk putting my heart on the line again? Do I trust him? Is there even a way things can be normal again? What happens if it turns out that he only responded to my letter because he is thinking about breaking up with his girlfriend? Will I let myself be the girl that he goes back to time and time again? There are so many questions. I don't want to face any of them.
Love,
Michelle
For the past month 25 days I have used the excuse that finals were coming and I didn't need more distractions than necessary. It has come to the point that I feel I need to reply to Josh though. To be fair I am moving in 5 days to Toronto so I could use that as another excuse. As I sit here watching Justin Timberlake sing Mirrors on Ellen though (sidenote: he is sexier than sex), I can't help but feel that it's not fair to not reply to him and keep making excuses.
The thing is... he took 3.5 months to reply to me. So in reality, is it about fairness? I think maybe I'm just pressuring myself to answer because I still don't know what I want. The pressure of replying makes me have to think about everything I don't want to.
Do I risk putting my heart on the line again? Do I trust him? Is there even a way things can be normal again? What happens if it turns out that he only responded to my letter because he is thinking about breaking up with his girlfriend? Will I let myself be the girl that he goes back to time and time again? There are so many questions. I don't want to face any of them.
Love,
Michelle
Monday, 22 April 2013
Dilemma of a lifetime coming to a close?
Dear anonymous,
This is a story about a boy. His name is Josh. For just over 8 years we were best friends. In grade 5 we met in our French immersion class and that was it. We spent late nights talking on msn (it was a thing back then), we would hang out all the time at school, text at all hours, hang out at his house, spend time with his family, spend time at our church youth group together. We were inseparable. As all stories go, I fell in love. It never even occurred to me that it could happen but there it was one day. Staring me in the face. I wanted to spend all my time with him, know everything about him, have him know everything about me. And he might not have loved me back but I knew he liked me at least a little bit. Maybe more than a little bit.
This is grade 11 now and he's dating a girl named Sarah. She always hated me. I think she was threatened by my friendship with Josh and being a girl, she could probably see the love pouring out of my ears. Josh and I stopped talking a lot that year because of her. The next part makes me a little bit of a homewrecker. Okay... maybe a lot of a homewrecker. I told him one night that I loved him. That I had always loved him and that it killed me to see him with Sarah. I told him that I wanted him and only him and that nothing was going to change that. He broke up with her the next week. And we shared our first kiss later. And then again. And he told me he loved me. But then it was time to go to university and he was going to Ottawa while I stayed here in Toronto. So we said our goodbyes and told each other that we would still stay best friends and let whatever happen happen.
Enter first year and things got hectic. We broke that promise of staying best friends. By November, I hardly knew who I was anymore so I pushed him away. I guess I pushed a little too hard. We fought one night. It was the fight. The one that tore everything apart. The one that made me cry for weeks on end because I knew it was over. Our friendship. The love he said he felt for me. Just gone.
For the past three years, I have missed him more than anything. I miss getting a good morning text, I miss having someone to talk to at all times, I miss having someone to tell all my secrets to, I miss being hugged, I miss feeling like someone cares about me, I miss his family telling me we were going to get married, I miss his dog (and I don't even like dogs). Anything and everything there is to miss about someone, I miss.
In December of 2012, I sent him one last letter. There was no return address, there was no signature. He would know it was from me. It was closure for me. Finally time for me to move on. So I sent it off never expecting to get anything back because how could I?
April 1st, 2013. Inbox on Facebook. From Josh. And boy was it long. And heartfelt. And sincere. And everything I had always wanted (minus an apology for the fight - it was his doing - but he did say that there was no apology that could right everything he did wrong, so there's that). With an annotation saying it wasn't a joke (April Fool's!).
I think I'm still processing it. Processing the feelings associated with him and all our memories. To tell you the truth, I don't even know what I want. It was because of him that I began to hurt myself. It was because of him that I cried more tears than I've ever cried at a funeral. It was because of him that I have these incredible, impenetrable walls around my heart. Maybe I'm being a little too harsh. Maybe it's not all because of him. Yet as much as I know myself now, I know that a large part of my miserable, angst-ridden, self-deprecating self is his doing.
He taught me that I am not good enough. He taught me that I can't trust someone who has been my everything for 8 years. He taught me that I am worthless. He taught me that I can't be loved. He also taught me that I can love so wholeheartedly that the world stops spinning for a moment. He taught me the meaning of friendship, of belonging, of faith. He taught me to appreciate little things in life like sitting and watching television with your family. He taught me that people can care for you.
He wants to try again. To be friends. But how do you bounce back from three years of lost trust and unbelievable heartache? Do you listen to your head and say no? Or listen to your heart and say give it another chance? He broke me more than anyone ever has and yet he put a light in my heart for so much longer. So what's the right thing to do?
Love,
Michelle
This is a story about a boy. His name is Josh. For just over 8 years we were best friends. In grade 5 we met in our French immersion class and that was it. We spent late nights talking on msn (it was a thing back then), we would hang out all the time at school, text at all hours, hang out at his house, spend time with his family, spend time at our church youth group together. We were inseparable. As all stories go, I fell in love. It never even occurred to me that it could happen but there it was one day. Staring me in the face. I wanted to spend all my time with him, know everything about him, have him know everything about me. And he might not have loved me back but I knew he liked me at least a little bit. Maybe more than a little bit.
This is grade 11 now and he's dating a girl named Sarah. She always hated me. I think she was threatened by my friendship with Josh and being a girl, she could probably see the love pouring out of my ears. Josh and I stopped talking a lot that year because of her. The next part makes me a little bit of a homewrecker. Okay... maybe a lot of a homewrecker. I told him one night that I loved him. That I had always loved him and that it killed me to see him with Sarah. I told him that I wanted him and only him and that nothing was going to change that. He broke up with her the next week. And we shared our first kiss later. And then again. And he told me he loved me. But then it was time to go to university and he was going to Ottawa while I stayed here in Toronto. So we said our goodbyes and told each other that we would still stay best friends and let whatever happen happen.
Enter first year and things got hectic. We broke that promise of staying best friends. By November, I hardly knew who I was anymore so I pushed him away. I guess I pushed a little too hard. We fought one night. It was the fight. The one that tore everything apart. The one that made me cry for weeks on end because I knew it was over. Our friendship. The love he said he felt for me. Just gone.
For the past three years, I have missed him more than anything. I miss getting a good morning text, I miss having someone to talk to at all times, I miss having someone to tell all my secrets to, I miss being hugged, I miss feeling like someone cares about me, I miss his family telling me we were going to get married, I miss his dog (and I don't even like dogs). Anything and everything there is to miss about someone, I miss.
In December of 2012, I sent him one last letter. There was no return address, there was no signature. He would know it was from me. It was closure for me. Finally time for me to move on. So I sent it off never expecting to get anything back because how could I?
April 1st, 2013. Inbox on Facebook. From Josh. And boy was it long. And heartfelt. And sincere. And everything I had always wanted (minus an apology for the fight - it was his doing - but he did say that there was no apology that could right everything he did wrong, so there's that). With an annotation saying it wasn't a joke (April Fool's!).
I think I'm still processing it. Processing the feelings associated with him and all our memories. To tell you the truth, I don't even know what I want. It was because of him that I began to hurt myself. It was because of him that I cried more tears than I've ever cried at a funeral. It was because of him that I have these incredible, impenetrable walls around my heart. Maybe I'm being a little too harsh. Maybe it's not all because of him. Yet as much as I know myself now, I know that a large part of my miserable, angst-ridden, self-deprecating self is his doing.
He taught me that I am not good enough. He taught me that I can't trust someone who has been my everything for 8 years. He taught me that I am worthless. He taught me that I can't be loved. He also taught me that I can love so wholeheartedly that the world stops spinning for a moment. He taught me the meaning of friendship, of belonging, of faith. He taught me to appreciate little things in life like sitting and watching television with your family. He taught me that people can care for you.
He wants to try again. To be friends. But how do you bounce back from three years of lost trust and unbelievable heartache? Do you listen to your head and say no? Or listen to your heart and say give it another chance? He broke me more than anyone ever has and yet he put a light in my heart for so much longer. So what's the right thing to do?
Love,
Michelle
Sunday, 21 April 2013
Still searching for me?
Dear anonymous,
Welcome to another angst-ridden blog by a young girl searching for her identity. Yes, I may be 21 years old and entering my last year of university in September but, as it turns out, I'm still a little bit lost. The world is a scary place, we all know that. I guess I just want to have something out in the world to look back on in the future, with as much anonymity as I can get from a public blog. So this is for me. And it's for you, too. Everything on here is going to be full disclosure. For your eyes only. I'm shying away from my friends and my family and telling you about my life. So here's hoping at least some of you will follow me on my journey.
Love,
Michelle
Welcome to another angst-ridden blog by a young girl searching for her identity. Yes, I may be 21 years old and entering my last year of university in September but, as it turns out, I'm still a little bit lost. The world is a scary place, we all know that. I guess I just want to have something out in the world to look back on in the future, with as much anonymity as I can get from a public blog. So this is for me. And it's for you, too. Everything on here is going to be full disclosure. For your eyes only. I'm shying away from my friends and my family and telling you about my life. So here's hoping at least some of you will follow me on my journey.
Love,
Michelle
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