Dear anonymous,
At church this morning, Mrs. Kanerva reminded me that the Parker boys had all graduated and that Noah was valedictorian. This in turn made me realise that I wanted to acknowledge how proud of them I am - even if we don't speak anymore. So I went to the mall, bought a graduation card and wrote a little message for each of the three boys. Then I went to their house.
Let me tell you anonymous, my heart has never beat so fast. I felt like it was caving in on me. I couldn't get enough air in my lungs to breathe. As I walked up to their front door, I could feel the butterflies in my stomach and the air disappearing. Then Noah opened the door and I swear my heart stopped for a minute. He looked... grown up. I had seen him in photos so I knew what to expect (yes, I Facebook creeped back when I had Facebook) yet it was still the first time I had seen him in years.
What a surreal moment. Knowing that so much can change in three years. I've missed watching them struggle through the awkwardness of high school. I've missed their first loves. I've missed their big decisions like sex and college or university. I've missed it all.
Have you ever felt like that? Like you could see every little thing you missed right in front of your face in two seconds?
Love,
Michelle
Showing posts with label boys. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boys. Show all posts
Sunday, 30 June 2013
Thursday, 6 June 2013
Dating...again?
Dear anonymous,
I can't be sure if these guys are asking me out or if they just want to hang out as friends but I am starting to get confused. Do they realise that I'm really annoying and that I don't have a lot of friends because I am rude and judgmental and horrible? Even if it just as friends... do they not get that? Have I begun to come off as a genuine human being? Because if I'm being honest, I don't even really know who I am. And if I don't know then how are they to know?
Love,
Michelle
I can't be sure if these guys are asking me out or if they just want to hang out as friends but I am starting to get confused. Do they realise that I'm really annoying and that I don't have a lot of friends because I am rude and judgmental and horrible? Even if it just as friends... do they not get that? Have I begun to come off as a genuine human being? Because if I'm being honest, I don't even really know who I am. And if I don't know then how are they to know?
Love,
Michelle
Wednesday, 5 June 2013
Dating?
Dear anonymous,
I don't believe in dating. Not really. I believe that people get together to fall apart. When it comes to Jeremy though, I would date. Maybe because he makes me want to talk, maybe because I could see us being together, maybe because he doesn't make me feel awkward, or maybe just because I think he is incredibly hot. Then again, maybe I want to date him because he makes me want to date.
Love,
Michelle
I don't believe in dating. Not really. I believe that people get together to fall apart. When it comes to Jeremy though, I would date. Maybe because he makes me want to talk, maybe because I could see us being together, maybe because he doesn't make me feel awkward, or maybe just because I think he is incredibly hot. Then again, maybe I want to date him because he makes me want to date.
Love,
Michelle
Thursday, 25 April 2013
Are we really friends?
Dear anonymous,
Ethan keeps bringing up a slight mishap from the end of last summer. We had gotten really close so naturally when summer was ending, I implied that I would never see him again. I had many reasons to believe this, the main one being that he had constantly told me he would not be visiting me in my new house. As it turns out, I was wrong and he continuously brings it up.
Tonight at Anita's goodbye get together, he brought it up once again. In a different context this time, referring to my move on May 1st to downtown Toronto. As usual, Ethan said that we would still be friends despite the fact that I was moving. I replied by saying sure and he countered by saying that I said the same thing last summer but we are still friends and see each other.
Can we really call each other friends though? As of this year, we have had approximately one real conversation. Any other real conversations have happened with April present. Not that this is a problem because she is wonderful and beautiful and I would tell her my life story if we ever had a minute to see each other but, it's not a friendship between me and him anymore.
To me, Ethan stopped being my friend when he asked me if I was still self-harming then proceeded to tell me that I no longer had to tell him because he wasn't obligated to care (as my don, he technically was). It's not even that it made me angry but it made me realise for the thousandth time in my life that people only care when they have to and that nothing is forever. I expected our friendship to stay strong and that he would be someone I wanted to tell things to for years and years yet in the span of 2 sentences, all that went down the drain.
If I can't tell him about anything in my life from the most minute detail like getting a haircut to the deepest secret I covet, we are not friends.
So sorry, Ethan, if you ever read this but we are not friends. So you can stop saying that we are going to stay friends after I move because that ship has sailed. At least for me.
Love,
Michelle
Ethan keeps bringing up a slight mishap from the end of last summer. We had gotten really close so naturally when summer was ending, I implied that I would never see him again. I had many reasons to believe this, the main one being that he had constantly told me he would not be visiting me in my new house. As it turns out, I was wrong and he continuously brings it up.
Tonight at Anita's goodbye get together, he brought it up once again. In a different context this time, referring to my move on May 1st to downtown Toronto. As usual, Ethan said that we would still be friends despite the fact that I was moving. I replied by saying sure and he countered by saying that I said the same thing last summer but we are still friends and see each other.
Can we really call each other friends though? As of this year, we have had approximately one real conversation. Any other real conversations have happened with April present. Not that this is a problem because she is wonderful and beautiful and I would tell her my life story if we ever had a minute to see each other but, it's not a friendship between me and him anymore.
To me, Ethan stopped being my friend when he asked me if I was still self-harming then proceeded to tell me that I no longer had to tell him because he wasn't obligated to care (as my don, he technically was). It's not even that it made me angry but it made me realise for the thousandth time in my life that people only care when they have to and that nothing is forever. I expected our friendship to stay strong and that he would be someone I wanted to tell things to for years and years yet in the span of 2 sentences, all that went down the drain.
If I can't tell him about anything in my life from the most minute detail like getting a haircut to the deepest secret I covet, we are not friends.
So sorry, Ethan, if you ever read this but we are not friends. So you can stop saying that we are going to stay friends after I move because that ship has sailed. At least for me.
Love,
Michelle
Time to reply?
Dear anonymous,
For the past month 25 days I have used the excuse that finals were coming and I didn't need more distractions than necessary. It has come to the point that I feel I need to reply to Josh though. To be fair I am moving in 5 days to Toronto so I could use that as another excuse. As I sit here watching Justin Timberlake sing Mirrors on Ellen though (sidenote: he is sexier than sex), I can't help but feel that it's not fair to not reply to him and keep making excuses.
The thing is... he took 3.5 months to reply to me. So in reality, is it about fairness? I think maybe I'm just pressuring myself to answer because I still don't know what I want. The pressure of replying makes me have to think about everything I don't want to.
Do I risk putting my heart on the line again? Do I trust him? Is there even a way things can be normal again? What happens if it turns out that he only responded to my letter because he is thinking about breaking up with his girlfriend? Will I let myself be the girl that he goes back to time and time again? There are so many questions. I don't want to face any of them.
Love,
Michelle
For the past month 25 days I have used the excuse that finals were coming and I didn't need more distractions than necessary. It has come to the point that I feel I need to reply to Josh though. To be fair I am moving in 5 days to Toronto so I could use that as another excuse. As I sit here watching Justin Timberlake sing Mirrors on Ellen though (sidenote: he is sexier than sex), I can't help but feel that it's not fair to not reply to him and keep making excuses.
The thing is... he took 3.5 months to reply to me. So in reality, is it about fairness? I think maybe I'm just pressuring myself to answer because I still don't know what I want. The pressure of replying makes me have to think about everything I don't want to.
Do I risk putting my heart on the line again? Do I trust him? Is there even a way things can be normal again? What happens if it turns out that he only responded to my letter because he is thinking about breaking up with his girlfriend? Will I let myself be the girl that he goes back to time and time again? There are so many questions. I don't want to face any of them.
Love,
Michelle
Tuesday, 23 April 2013
Easier being a boy?
Dear anonymous,
I ask myself this question on a daily basis. Would life be easier if I were a boy? Whether or not this is possible, I honestly think about it all the time.
Being a boy would mean I could sleep around and be praised for it. It would mean not having to worry about make up. Boys might have less clothing choices but doesn't that just makes their lives easier? And cheaper? Then there's the fact that they don't have periods. Or pregnancy scares. Or hell, pregnancy. They don't have to push 6-12 pounds of human out of their bodies after housing them for 9 months. If I were a boy I could skateboard. I could play video games all day and be good at it (I truly believe they have an inherent ability to play video games better). Being a boy would mean less drama, less cat fights, less body image issues.
Keep in mind, I know that being a boy isn't always easy. I get that there are the ones that have body image issues, the ones that are gay and get terrorized at school, the ones that are nerdy and awkward, the ones that are genuinely nice guys always put in the friend zone. I still think it would be easier to be a boy.
Love,
Michelle
I ask myself this question on a daily basis. Would life be easier if I were a boy? Whether or not this is possible, I honestly think about it all the time.
Being a boy would mean I could sleep around and be praised for it. It would mean not having to worry about make up. Boys might have less clothing choices but doesn't that just makes their lives easier? And cheaper? Then there's the fact that they don't have periods. Or pregnancy scares. Or hell, pregnancy. They don't have to push 6-12 pounds of human out of their bodies after housing them for 9 months. If I were a boy I could skateboard. I could play video games all day and be good at it (I truly believe they have an inherent ability to play video games better). Being a boy would mean less drama, less cat fights, less body image issues.
Keep in mind, I know that being a boy isn't always easy. I get that there are the ones that have body image issues, the ones that are gay and get terrorized at school, the ones that are nerdy and awkward, the ones that are genuinely nice guys always put in the friend zone. I still think it would be easier to be a boy.
Love,
Michelle
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