Are we really friends?

Dear anonymous,

Ethan keeps bringing up a slight mishap from the end of last summer. We had gotten really close so naturally when summer was ending, I implied that I would never see him again. I had many reasons to believe this, the main one being that he had constantly told me he would not be visiting me in my new house. As it turns out, I was wrong and he continuously brings it up.

Tonight at Anita's goodbye get together, he brought it up once again. In a different context this time, referring to my move on May 1st to downtown Toronto. As usual, Ethan said that we would still be friends despite the fact that I was moving. I replied by saying sure and he countered by saying that I said the same thing last summer but we are still friends and see each other.

Can we really call each other friends though? As of this year, we have had approximately one real conversation. Any other real conversations have happened with April present. Not that this is a problem because she is wonderful and beautiful and I would tell her my life story if we ever had a minute to see each other but, it's not a friendship between me and him anymore.

To me, Ethan stopped being my friend when he asked me if I was still self-harming then proceeded to tell me that I no longer had to tell him because he wasn't obligated to care (as my don, he technically was). It's not even that it made me angry but it made me realise for the thousandth time in my life that people only care when they have to and that nothing is forever. I expected our friendship to stay strong and that he would be someone I wanted to tell things to for years and years yet in the span of 2 sentences, all that went down the drain.

If I can't tell him about anything in my life from the most minute detail like getting a haircut to the deepest secret I covet, we are not friends.

So sorry, Ethan, if you ever read this but we are not friends. So you can stop saying that we are going to stay friends after I move because that ship has sailed. At least for me.

Love,
Michelle

Goodbye forever?

Dear anonymous,

Anita, one of the girls I lived with last year, is going back to Dubai forever because she is graduating this year. She's having a goodbye get together on Thursday night.

I'm holding a bit of a grudge though. Earlier this year she went behind my back to get information about me from Ethan, my don last year, about why I didn't get hired as a don for this September. When he told me about it, he said that she was fishing for information about whether it was because I self-harm. And it really got to me. That information was really personal and instead of asking me directly (which she could have done because I never explicitly hid any scars or anything from her) she went and asked a third party. And only because she wanted the information for herself.

So do I let go of the grudge and go say goodbye to someone that made me put up even more walls than I had before? Someone who I can't trust and doesn't care for me in any way? Or seemingly so? On one hand, that whole situation happened and really affected me for the worse (it doesn't seem very bad when it's written down but, it felt like I'd lost any and all trust in her). On the other hand, she is literally leaving the country forever.

I don't know. Maybe this grudge is stupid.

Love,
Michelle

Is it really an addiction?

Dear anonymous,

Reading about addictions has me thinking about my own problems. It may be crazy to some but self-harm really is an addiction. You crave it, you try to heal, you relapse, you do ridiculous things to obtain things to cut or burn or bruise... it takes over your life. Constantly on the back of your mind.

Just thinking back, I can remember one intense situation where I wanted my razors back so badly that I acted insane. I had given them to my don so that I wouldn't be tempted. Then I had a really bad day (I can't even remember what it was anymore) but I really needed them back. I wanted to slash at my wrists and going into the kitchen to grab a serrated knife didn't work. Scissors also didn't satisfy the craving so I decided that it was worth it to get them back from my don.

It started out calmly with me asking him for them back (in the back of my mind, I knew it was a stupid thing because he obviously wouldn't return them). Then he obviously said no so I stormed into his room and began digging through his drawers. Needless to say, he wasn't very good at hiding them so within two seconds I had them in my hand. He was stood in the doorway and I just stared at him and told him to move. There was nothing on my mind except hurting myself and seeing blood run down my wrists.

I swiftly moved to pass him and he tried to stop me by hugging me. I literally tore away from him and ran upstairs to my own room. Thinking back now, that was probably one of the lowest-points of my cycle of self-harm. I still have the urges but I've been "clean" since before December. I can't tell you a particular date because I stopped counting days when I kept relapsing. It would just put me in a negative mood. I'm better for it now though. I have urges but I choose to fight them. And fight them I do. Every single day. I'm getting there.

Love,
Michelle