Dear anonymous,
Lauren sent me a text today. It was a joke about how her electric blanket stopped working so she is holding a funeral. To any other person, I suppose this would be funny. Maybe a year ago I would have found this funny. Except today when I received the message, I immediately became upset. Upset because who jokes about funerals? For an electric blanket, nonetheless? I understand that she holds that blanket near and dear and jokes about it being her husband and so I can understand where the funeral joke came from. Yet I am upset and offended. Do you think I'm justified?
Part of me thinks I'm so upset by it because of the situations surrounding people close to me right now. Suzi's mom recently passed away and I was hoping to go to the funeral but it turns out they had a private service for cremation instead. Then Krista's dad is also getting more ill so his time will inevitably come in the next few months. These are my closest friends and I am seeing them suffer. In the supposed best years of their lives, funerals for their best friends are an occurrence. So perhaps I'm emotional about this and it makes me find the joke offensive.
I can't decide.
Love,
Michelle
Showing posts with label best friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label best friends. Show all posts
Wednesday, 29 January 2014
Wednesday, 11 December 2013
Bitter 'til the end?
Dear anonymous,
Sometimes I'm not sure if it's just me or if it has to do with everything that has happened with every person I have ever trusted but, it really isn't worth it to me to try and let people in to my life anymore. I can meet someone new and they can make all the effort but, at this point, I have put up such incredible walls that even I can't imagine myself getting over them. There has not been a time since summer of 2012 that I have felt like I can let someone in and be okay with it. Whether it was the situation with Josh or Chris or Ethan or anyone else in my life at any point in time, I always think back on it and decide it really isn't worth it. If I can keep my distance, I can keep safe. Perhaps I am just a bitter young lady who will later turn in to a bitter old woman but, in all honesty, I'd rather be bitter than hurt again.
Love,
Michelle
Sometimes I'm not sure if it's just me or if it has to do with everything that has happened with every person I have ever trusted but, it really isn't worth it to me to try and let people in to my life anymore. I can meet someone new and they can make all the effort but, at this point, I have put up such incredible walls that even I can't imagine myself getting over them. There has not been a time since summer of 2012 that I have felt like I can let someone in and be okay with it. Whether it was the situation with Josh or Chris or Ethan or anyone else in my life at any point in time, I always think back on it and decide it really isn't worth it. If I can keep my distance, I can keep safe. Perhaps I am just a bitter young lady who will later turn in to a bitter old woman but, in all honesty, I'd rather be bitter than hurt again.
Love,
Michelle
Monday, 22 April 2013
Dilemma of a lifetime coming to a close?
Dear anonymous,
This is a story about a boy. His name is Josh. For just over 8 years we were best friends. In grade 5 we met in our French immersion class and that was it. We spent late nights talking on msn (it was a thing back then), we would hang out all the time at school, text at all hours, hang out at his house, spend time with his family, spend time at our church youth group together. We were inseparable. As all stories go, I fell in love. It never even occurred to me that it could happen but there it was one day. Staring me in the face. I wanted to spend all my time with him, know everything about him, have him know everything about me. And he might not have loved me back but I knew he liked me at least a little bit. Maybe more than a little bit.
This is grade 11 now and he's dating a girl named Sarah. She always hated me. I think she was threatened by my friendship with Josh and being a girl, she could probably see the love pouring out of my ears. Josh and I stopped talking a lot that year because of her. The next part makes me a little bit of a homewrecker. Okay... maybe a lot of a homewrecker. I told him one night that I loved him. That I had always loved him and that it killed me to see him with Sarah. I told him that I wanted him and only him and that nothing was going to change that. He broke up with her the next week. And we shared our first kiss later. And then again. And he told me he loved me. But then it was time to go to university and he was going to Ottawa while I stayed here in Toronto. So we said our goodbyes and told each other that we would still stay best friends and let whatever happen happen.
Enter first year and things got hectic. We broke that promise of staying best friends. By November, I hardly knew who I was anymore so I pushed him away. I guess I pushed a little too hard. We fought one night. It was the fight. The one that tore everything apart. The one that made me cry for weeks on end because I knew it was over. Our friendship. The love he said he felt for me. Just gone.
For the past three years, I have missed him more than anything. I miss getting a good morning text, I miss having someone to talk to at all times, I miss having someone to tell all my secrets to, I miss being hugged, I miss feeling like someone cares about me, I miss his family telling me we were going to get married, I miss his dog (and I don't even like dogs). Anything and everything there is to miss about someone, I miss.
In December of 2012, I sent him one last letter. There was no return address, there was no signature. He would know it was from me. It was closure for me. Finally time for me to move on. So I sent it off never expecting to get anything back because how could I?
April 1st, 2013. Inbox on Facebook. From Josh. And boy was it long. And heartfelt. And sincere. And everything I had always wanted (minus an apology for the fight - it was his doing - but he did say that there was no apology that could right everything he did wrong, so there's that). With an annotation saying it wasn't a joke (April Fool's!).
I think I'm still processing it. Processing the feelings associated with him and all our memories. To tell you the truth, I don't even know what I want. It was because of him that I began to hurt myself. It was because of him that I cried more tears than I've ever cried at a funeral. It was because of him that I have these incredible, impenetrable walls around my heart. Maybe I'm being a little too harsh. Maybe it's not all because of him. Yet as much as I know myself now, I know that a large part of my miserable, angst-ridden, self-deprecating self is his doing.
He taught me that I am not good enough. He taught me that I can't trust someone who has been my everything for 8 years. He taught me that I am worthless. He taught me that I can't be loved. He also taught me that I can love so wholeheartedly that the world stops spinning for a moment. He taught me the meaning of friendship, of belonging, of faith. He taught me to appreciate little things in life like sitting and watching television with your family. He taught me that people can care for you.
He wants to try again. To be friends. But how do you bounce back from three years of lost trust and unbelievable heartache? Do you listen to your head and say no? Or listen to your heart and say give it another chance? He broke me more than anyone ever has and yet he put a light in my heart for so much longer. So what's the right thing to do?
Love,
Michelle
This is a story about a boy. His name is Josh. For just over 8 years we were best friends. In grade 5 we met in our French immersion class and that was it. We spent late nights talking on msn (it was a thing back then), we would hang out all the time at school, text at all hours, hang out at his house, spend time with his family, spend time at our church youth group together. We were inseparable. As all stories go, I fell in love. It never even occurred to me that it could happen but there it was one day. Staring me in the face. I wanted to spend all my time with him, know everything about him, have him know everything about me. And he might not have loved me back but I knew he liked me at least a little bit. Maybe more than a little bit.
This is grade 11 now and he's dating a girl named Sarah. She always hated me. I think she was threatened by my friendship with Josh and being a girl, she could probably see the love pouring out of my ears. Josh and I stopped talking a lot that year because of her. The next part makes me a little bit of a homewrecker. Okay... maybe a lot of a homewrecker. I told him one night that I loved him. That I had always loved him and that it killed me to see him with Sarah. I told him that I wanted him and only him and that nothing was going to change that. He broke up with her the next week. And we shared our first kiss later. And then again. And he told me he loved me. But then it was time to go to university and he was going to Ottawa while I stayed here in Toronto. So we said our goodbyes and told each other that we would still stay best friends and let whatever happen happen.
Enter first year and things got hectic. We broke that promise of staying best friends. By November, I hardly knew who I was anymore so I pushed him away. I guess I pushed a little too hard. We fought one night. It was the fight. The one that tore everything apart. The one that made me cry for weeks on end because I knew it was over. Our friendship. The love he said he felt for me. Just gone.
For the past three years, I have missed him more than anything. I miss getting a good morning text, I miss having someone to talk to at all times, I miss having someone to tell all my secrets to, I miss being hugged, I miss feeling like someone cares about me, I miss his family telling me we were going to get married, I miss his dog (and I don't even like dogs). Anything and everything there is to miss about someone, I miss.
In December of 2012, I sent him one last letter. There was no return address, there was no signature. He would know it was from me. It was closure for me. Finally time for me to move on. So I sent it off never expecting to get anything back because how could I?
April 1st, 2013. Inbox on Facebook. From Josh. And boy was it long. And heartfelt. And sincere. And everything I had always wanted (minus an apology for the fight - it was his doing - but he did say that there was no apology that could right everything he did wrong, so there's that). With an annotation saying it wasn't a joke (April Fool's!).
I think I'm still processing it. Processing the feelings associated with him and all our memories. To tell you the truth, I don't even know what I want. It was because of him that I began to hurt myself. It was because of him that I cried more tears than I've ever cried at a funeral. It was because of him that I have these incredible, impenetrable walls around my heart. Maybe I'm being a little too harsh. Maybe it's not all because of him. Yet as much as I know myself now, I know that a large part of my miserable, angst-ridden, self-deprecating self is his doing.
He taught me that I am not good enough. He taught me that I can't trust someone who has been my everything for 8 years. He taught me that I am worthless. He taught me that I can't be loved. He also taught me that I can love so wholeheartedly that the world stops spinning for a moment. He taught me the meaning of friendship, of belonging, of faith. He taught me to appreciate little things in life like sitting and watching television with your family. He taught me that people can care for you.
He wants to try again. To be friends. But how do you bounce back from three years of lost trust and unbelievable heartache? Do you listen to your head and say no? Or listen to your heart and say give it another chance? He broke me more than anyone ever has and yet he put a light in my heart for so much longer. So what's the right thing to do?
Love,
Michelle
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