Dear anonymous,
It feels like life can be so selfish. People do everything they can to be good. To have integrity and to make others smile and to treat others with dignity and respect. Then life just lashes back at them in the worst way possible. Illness, depression, poverty, abandonment, fear. It seems pretty selfish. To take away the good from people. To take away the good that they deserve. It feels so damn selfish.
I hate life today. And every other day when I talk to my friends who are suffering. When I hear of situations 'causing others harm. I hate life when it takes people away. I hate life when it shuts us down. I hate life when it is cruel.
Love,
Michelle
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Tuesday, 1 October 2013
Sunday, 26 May 2013
Living with depression?
Dear anonymous,
Living with Ash again has really made me notice how much I don't know about her. For the past few years I have known that she has depression. When we used to come home on weekends, I would notice the excessive sleep and the fluctuating appetite. I would pay attention to how many times she asked me if she had gotten fat or whatnot. Living with her for almost a month now though, I am really noticing it more and more.
I'm not going to lie. I probably have depression. It's probably more like dysthymic disorder (which is less severe than major depression but more chronic) yet, my sister has it so much worse. It's hard to live with it. She gets irrational and angry, she sleeps her days away, she is restless and often I see her struggling with herself. I love her though and I'm sticking around.
Love,
Michelle
Living with Ash again has really made me notice how much I don't know about her. For the past few years I have known that she has depression. When we used to come home on weekends, I would notice the excessive sleep and the fluctuating appetite. I would pay attention to how many times she asked me if she had gotten fat or whatnot. Living with her for almost a month now though, I am really noticing it more and more.
I'm not going to lie. I probably have depression. It's probably more like dysthymic disorder (which is less severe than major depression but more chronic) yet, my sister has it so much worse. It's hard to live with it. She gets irrational and angry, she sleeps her days away, she is restless and often I see her struggling with herself. I love her though and I'm sticking around.
Love,
Michelle
Wednesday, 24 April 2013
Depression: yes or no?
Dear anonymous,
If you've never self-diagnosed with some disorder or illness, I applaud you. It seems like every other second, I am diagnosing myself with some sort of horribly impairing disease or mental disorder. There is always one that I go back to though: depression.
Maybe it's because I'm a psych major and I've gone over the signs and symptoms of depression over and over again while studying mood disorders but, I'm fairly sure I've got it. Probably not major depressive disorder (although I'd say the intensity level is close) but endless bouts of depressive episodes.
Don't get me wrong, I have a great life. My friends and my family are really supportive (for the most part anyway but that's a different story), I have privileges that others do not have access to like school, I do alright in school and I enjoy a lot of activities. It just seems like something is always missing. Or like I hit a place in my mind that is a dark corner.
It's not healthy to self-diagnose. I should just stop. It really seems like depression sometimes though.
Love,
Michelle
If you've never self-diagnosed with some disorder or illness, I applaud you. It seems like every other second, I am diagnosing myself with some sort of horribly impairing disease or mental disorder. There is always one that I go back to though: depression.
Maybe it's because I'm a psych major and I've gone over the signs and symptoms of depression over and over again while studying mood disorders but, I'm fairly sure I've got it. Probably not major depressive disorder (although I'd say the intensity level is close) but endless bouts of depressive episodes.
Don't get me wrong, I have a great life. My friends and my family are really supportive (for the most part anyway but that's a different story), I have privileges that others do not have access to like school, I do alright in school and I enjoy a lot of activities. It just seems like something is always missing. Or like I hit a place in my mind that is a dark corner.
It's not healthy to self-diagnose. I should just stop. It really seems like depression sometimes though.
Love,
Michelle
Monday, 22 April 2013
Is it really an addiction?
Dear anonymous,
Reading about addictions has me thinking about my own problems. It may be crazy to some but self-harm really is an addiction. You crave it, you try to heal, you relapse, you do ridiculous things to obtain things to cut or burn or bruise... it takes over your life. Constantly on the back of your mind.
Just thinking back, I can remember one intense situation where I wanted my razors back so badly that I acted insane. I had given them to my don so that I wouldn't be tempted. Then I had a really bad day (I can't even remember what it was anymore) but I really needed them back. I wanted to slash at my wrists and going into the kitchen to grab a serrated knife didn't work. Scissors also didn't satisfy the craving so I decided that it was worth it to get them back from my don.
It started out calmly with me asking him for them back (in the back of my mind, I knew it was a stupid thing because he obviously wouldn't return them). Then he obviously said no so I stormed into his room and began digging through his drawers. Needless to say, he wasn't very good at hiding them so within two seconds I had them in my hand. He was stood in the doorway and I just stared at him and told him to move. There was nothing on my mind except hurting myself and seeing blood run down my wrists.
I swiftly moved to pass him and he tried to stop me by hugging me. I literally tore away from him and ran upstairs to my own room. Thinking back now, that was probably one of the lowest-points of my cycle of self-harm. I still have the urges but I've been "clean" since before December. I can't tell you a particular date because I stopped counting days when I kept relapsing. It would just put me in a negative mood. I'm better for it now though. I have urges but I choose to fight them. And fight them I do. Every single day. I'm getting there.
Love,
Michelle
Reading about addictions has me thinking about my own problems. It may be crazy to some but self-harm really is an addiction. You crave it, you try to heal, you relapse, you do ridiculous things to obtain things to cut or burn or bruise... it takes over your life. Constantly on the back of your mind.
Just thinking back, I can remember one intense situation where I wanted my razors back so badly that I acted insane. I had given them to my don so that I wouldn't be tempted. Then I had a really bad day (I can't even remember what it was anymore) but I really needed them back. I wanted to slash at my wrists and going into the kitchen to grab a serrated knife didn't work. Scissors also didn't satisfy the craving so I decided that it was worth it to get them back from my don.
It started out calmly with me asking him for them back (in the back of my mind, I knew it was a stupid thing because he obviously wouldn't return them). Then he obviously said no so I stormed into his room and began digging through his drawers. Needless to say, he wasn't very good at hiding them so within two seconds I had them in my hand. He was stood in the doorway and I just stared at him and told him to move. There was nothing on my mind except hurting myself and seeing blood run down my wrists.
I swiftly moved to pass him and he tried to stop me by hugging me. I literally tore away from him and ran upstairs to my own room. Thinking back now, that was probably one of the lowest-points of my cycle of self-harm. I still have the urges but I've been "clean" since before December. I can't tell you a particular date because I stopped counting days when I kept relapsing. It would just put me in a negative mood. I'm better for it now though. I have urges but I choose to fight them. And fight them I do. Every single day. I'm getting there.
Love,
Michelle
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